WARNING:
The following story contains scenes of extreme nastiness, and is unsuitable for those of a nervous disposition, those who have just eaten a large curry, and particularly for polls-ailing politicos trying to drum up support by posing as guardians of public morals and starting idiotic campaigns to get something they have never seen in their lives banned that was created by artists of international standing, which eventually gets shown anyway and to a vastly increased audience by reason of their stupid tirades.....
A major environmental catastrophe was narrowly averted this week, after a lengthy cleanup operation made necessary when large bearded ageing Star Trek actor Jonathan Frakes tumbled and fell into his own stomach last Thursday night. It is thought Mr. Frakes had been teetering on the edge for several hours, and was unable to call for help until it was too late.
Several dozen familes had to be evacuated from their homes, and the entire population of the state of Nevada was forced to flee for their lives, as toxic fumes spread and threatened to asphixiate large parts of the countryside. It was feared last night that most of the unprotected wildlife in the area had already perished, senselessly, after Mr. Frakes’s stomach rippled outward, spreading evil poisonous gas from its terrible flashpoint — the actor’s Hollywood home, now a ruined, smoking crater in the ground.
Most witnesses were still in shock as they spoke to FanGrok last night. “I’m totally unable to cope”, stammered 58-year old child actress Linda Blair, Frakes’s next door neighbour and teenage star of The Exorcist. “There was a horrible smell just before it happened, and then the air went really sort of... acrid, you know, like ozone... We heard him screaming, ‘Somebody help me, I’m falling in!’, and then, the whole place just whited-out...” Also witness to the blast was 76 year old dwarf actor Gary Coleman - star of ’70s sitcom Diff’rent Strokes: “I was walking down the street when Jon’s house just exploded. There was this great river of sludge pouring out into the road, engulfing everything it came in contact with: trees, cars, cats and dogs, prostitutes... all of ’em just sizzled as they were absorbed. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.”
By the time the stomach, then completely out of control, had reached downtown Burbank, the emergency cleanup operation was already underway. “We basically had to irradiate it,” explained 37-year old fire chief Brett Kvast. “At first we tried electrocuting the thing, just like you see in all those ’50s b-movies, but that didn’t work. Then we tried holding the stomach back with flame-throwers, but eventually radiation did the trick. It’s always radiation that kills the monster in the end — never fails.”
As FanGrok went to press, the lengthy process of eradicating the toxic effects of the spill were still underway. “Ya don’t wanna cross this barrier, boy,” warned the environmental official as FanGrok attempted to gain access to the site this morning. “It’s grim work in there. The smell alone’s enough to curdle the milk in your coffee flask.”