Online Editors: Adam Richards, Robbie Langton and Andy Thompson
LEONARDO DI CAPRIO
- QUEER AS FUCK?
by our Abhorrences, Abominations and Knitting correspondent: Erlenmyer Flasque
Flushed with the success of the popular television drama series about a bunch of fabulous, deviant, glittery, drug abusing, twenty-four hour partying, professional, clubbing blokes, Channel Four have announced that it has licensed the making of an American movie version of “QUEER AS FOLK”. Already stars are lining up to bare their bottoms, jangle their jewels and disco dance like some kind of hyper-possessed male version of Bonnie Langford.
Revamped
The new version is to be completely revamped completely, with American Hollywood’s Beverly Hills filling in for the quaintly picturesque Canal Street of downtown Manchester, England location of the UK original, set in England. Already stars are lining up to snort coke and shag themselves silly in the name of Art.
Expensive
The producers have already promised fans of the popular series that the integrity and sex of the original will be maintained but that the cheap ex-Casualty and Corrie stars will, of course, be dropped in favour of expensive actors wearing short sleeved shirts and pierced navels. Already stars are lining up to jig about the dance floor and jack themselves off all over each other for the sake of Oscar™ success and sexual curiosity.
Obnoxious
Slated in the role of teenage underage child boy, Nathan, is the top Titanic frozen-corpser, Leonardo di Caprio, whilst the role of Doctor Who time guy, Vince, goes to Star Trek VI star Christian Slater as part of his probation. Obnoxious tart, Stuart, is still up for grabs, though he does admit that he’s eyeing up a nice piece of totty by the bar and thinks that a deal will be made before the night’s out.
Normal
Director, Goose Van Santiago, admits that a number of factors stand in the way of the production, not least of which is the fact that every male character in the production is “...a fucking poof! We spent a number of meetings thrashing this one out, I can tell you,” the hunky, beefy, seven times happily married director told our exclusive reporter recently. “So we made them all God-fearing Christian Real Heterosexuals of the Opposite Sex. In other words, we’ve dropped the faggots.” The production is now projected to begin this Summer under the title “NORMAL AS MEN”.
Production
When asked about production side of it, a spokesman for the US production company said “We’re doing it. We’re really doing it!”
A new series of Bugs begins in the Autumn, God help us.
STOP PRESS: BLAKE’S 7 TRAGEDY
FanGrok has only just heard the full, unexpurgated horror concerning Blake’s 7 - indeed, it makes us pig-sick to have to report it here. Needless to say, we’re speechless with grief, and wish all the victims, whoever and wherever they may be, our deepest sympathies. Yes - that’s right, the worst IS true - they’re planning to make A NEW SERIES of it....
BLAKE’S 7 ACTION now!! FanGrok has set up a special petition form HERE for you to protest against the television company responsible for this unspeakable outrage: enter your name, e-mail address, and strongly-worded protest against the new series of Blake’s 7 (925 words or less) in the boxes provided, then click “SEND”. Your message will then automatically be posted direct to the homes of these sick bastards. Hopefully, we can all work together, to let these perverts know we mean business by bombarding them with so much spam-mail they’ll either be forced to apologise in public for their disgraceful folly, or, failing that, go into hiding.
The time to act is NOW, before any more victims of this terrible blight on our SFTV culture - Blake’s 7 - can be afflicted, so make your voice heard, and Save The Babies, NOW!!
