Online Editors: Adam Richards, Robbie Langton and Andy Thompson
I LOST MY HARD-ON TO A STARSHIP TROOPER
George Lucas Calls for Crackdown on Illegal “Star Wars” Establishments
By our Probing Public Probity Correspondant: Seamus Hall
George Lucas has this week been engaged in heated legal wrangles with several establishments in the San Francisco Bay area which have allegedly violated his personal copyright and ownership of the Star Wars franchise. The so-called “Stormtrooper Brothels” claim they offer a legitimate service to their clients, who range from lawyers to bank managers to magazine publishers to hard-hatted construction workers with moustaches.
Stormtroopers
Popular madam-about-town, Helga Floss, owner of “The House of Space Burlesque” said yesterday that her clients are mortified. “They are wonderful, sensitive people who cannot relate to their everyday lifestyles and turn to stormtroopers as a way of releasing their pent up sexual tension. We have one gentleman who insists on dressing up as Carrie Fisher and doing the whole ‘smelt-your-foul-stench’ routine with a Peter Cushing lookalike. Whilst others just like being roughed over by a couple of blonde studs in Imperial Stormtrooper gear. I know I do.” Ms. Floss, 52, is currently under house arrest with a couple of blonde studs dressed as state troopers.
Love
Melvin Bee, who wishes to remain anonymous, is one man who literally gets his kicks from a stormtrooper. “It’s the feel of the plastic I love. The whole shiny white thing that really turns me on. The size of the blaster is unimportant; it’s all down to technique. In the hands of a really hard trooper, I can climax at least three times in one night. Four times if he lets me try on his helmet.”
Manly
A huge police operation climaxed last Tuesday as an undercover officer with the SFPD infiltrated the “Tatooine Parlour”, a popular haunt for stormtrooper fetishists. “What I saw was beyond anything that Hollywood could ever dream up. I was led into a backroom by a rather ordinary looking gentleman. He asked me if I wanted it ‘straight up or in all the gear’. I said ‘whatever was the most popular’. He told me that the best way was if a couple of them in the full gear ordered me about a bit and arrested me for posession of imperial ’droids. They’d take it from there but a full interogation would cost extra particularly since it meant changing the batteries in their Truth-’bot. After an hour and a half, I made my excuses and left. It was then that the shiny heavy boots of Gavin and his vice men made their appearances and arrested them all. He’s so manly when he’s in charge...”
Semen
Congressman Hiram P. Glockenspiel from Corn-Hole, Kansas stated before the senate that such establishments are a threat to national security and an abhoration to nature. “If man had been meant to be serviced by his fellow men in white vac-formed plastic, he’d have been given Jiff-lemon kitchen cleaner for semen,” he added as the front row sat in stunned silence.
Issued
George Lucas issued and then presented us with his official statement: “We all have responsibilties to both society and the family. Sometimes we overstep the line and the extremes affect the way we interact with our fellow human beings. We are all one society and with that comes great responsibility. These people were ignoring that responsibilty - and the letters I had sent them demanding payment of royalties. They are bastards from a scum-ridden underworld and deserve to die in hot jello.”
Quickly
George Lucas is 59. He quickly added that officially licensed “Stormtrooper Bars” and “Jawa Cafes” would soon be opening across California; all carrying the official seal of Lucasfilm Ltd.
Anyone who feels they need to talk to someone about problems connected with the above should phone the following numbers where trained counsellors are available to discuss about issues raised:
Stormtroopers Anonymous 0102-555-7869
Helmet Rubbing Assistance 0102-555-2887
Ewok Dependency Helpline 0102-555-9803
(Calls to these numbers are monitored and details kept on file by the FBI for future reference...)