Online Editors: Adam Richards, Robbie Langton and Andy Thompson
DR WHO TERRORISTS IN NEW ANTI-BBC JIHAD
Ex-Producer elevated to “God” status by fansby our Hawaiian Shirt correspondent: Garrie Downee
Fans of the BBC Children’s series DrWho have continued to foam and fulminate this month after the BBC broadcast their special one-off Doctor Who “story” on the charity-based Comic Relief night, it has been noticed.
Tits
The special story, shown some while ago now, was split up into four seven-minute vignettes, and being part of Comic Relief, it naturally tended towards being a bit funny. In places. It featured a lighthearted plot where the Doctor (Rowan Atkinson) battled the Daleks and The Master, incorporating along the way some rather harmless toilet jokes and regenerating into Hugh Grant, Richard E. Grant, and finally Joanna Lumley. Yes, with tits. What has angered the fans is the announcement from somewhere - we don’t know where - that the story is officially meant to be included in with previously established Dr Who canon, and “...may not be ignored, omitted or disregarded by any fans, anywhere, in cases of compiling histories for the character of the Doctor, logs of TARDIS journeys, or episode guides for the series itself. So there.”
Showering
“It’s not us - we didn’t say that and in fact don’t really care how the public or the fans view Dr Who,” stammered BBC cleaning lady Omighad Yessah last Tuesday morning. But it appears the fans are not convinced, and have been showering the corporation with threatening letters, demanding the offending Dr Who story be ‘withdrawn, de-accessioned, junked,’ and ‘officially banned from official DrWho canon, officially, forever.’
Well-Stuffed
Great big large well-stuffed fan Ian Leviathan, inventor of boy-bands Take That, The Jackson 5 and other great boy-bands like that, spoke about his misgivings from his copious easy chair last week. “Seeing the bloody thing, I must admit to being rather narked-off with the whole enterprise. We’re subjected to this travesty, this... This funny story, when DrWho was never meant to be funny; it was always supposed to be serious, PROPER drama about a zany professor who travelled through time and space in a police telephone box with a long scarf and a talking metal dog.”
Bursting
Starting to shout and turn red now, the expansive Leviathan continued, “it makes me so [CENSORED]ing mad, to think that we’ve now got to view this [CENSORED]ed-up bastardisation as canon, when it includes things like the Doctor - OUR Doctor! - farting and becoming a woman. With horrid [CENSORED]ing BREASTS,” he spat, before suddenly bursting, in a spectacular, gory explosion of congealed blood, teeth, enlarged organs and half-digested pies. A shocked nation (not Terry, obviously) weeps. Leviathan’s family request that, following this sad loss, everyone with a shred of
decency in their hearts please walk up and down outside the BBC with placards demanding immediate mass executions, now that Ian is no more. “It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed his equally bulbous mother, yesterday. Well [CENSORED] me, what else is new.
Sweeties
Ex-Dr Who producer Joyce Nectarine-Turnover (“JN-T”) said from her semidetached bordello this morning, “See what happens when you don’t let Mummy produce it, sweeties?” All over the country, fans are sitting in their rooms, feeling pretty damned angry about it, I can tell you. The internet newsgroup “wreck.arts.drwho” yesterday was flooded with feverent messages demanding the reinstatement of JN-T as “Protector of Dr Who, in perpetuity,” we expect. One message, titled “THE CRUSADE,” ranted, “Ian DIED for the sins of the BBC, it’s time NOW to elevate JN-T to the status of official QUEEN of Dr Who, before it’s too late! Let’s BEHEAD anyone who would prevent us, and in so doing risk subjecting the glorious DrWho to further bastardisationry (sic). By the way, what did everyone else think of last night’s ‘Queer as Folk’?”
Jihad
Right now, fans are picketing the BBC, carrying signs which say “DOWN WITH TITS” and “JN-T FOR GOD”. In the street outside, fans are throwing petrol bombs through the windows of houses where children play, daubing pro-Leviathan/JN-T graffiti onto defenceless pensioners and overturning parked bungalows. Most amusing of all though, was a letter delivered to The Queen by a masked man claiming to be from The JNTIG (“JN-T is God”), a newly formed terrorist Jihad. “We’ll rip the people of this nation (not Terry, obviously) open and drink the blood that spurts out of each and every wriggling, decapitated body!” it screamed.
Tragedy
“It seems the impossible has happened,” said the one sensible person we could find to speak on the subject, fan-stoic Jerry McBenchmark. “The two factions of Dr Who fandom that have been bickering with each other the loudest since time immemorial - pro-JN-T and pro-Leviathan - have finally joined together! What a shame it took a tragedy like this for it to happen. Pricks...”