A series of consumer tests on proposed merchandise associated with the new BBC fantasy show NeverWhere were released today, causing concern amongst industry Watchdog associations all across Britain.
The Tests, which were carried out on the entire range of proposed NeverWhere™ tie-in merchandise before any scripts had even been written, were supervised by Amalgamated Fluids Inc, and went as follows:
Kenner Toys NeverWhere™ Rat
In each case the rat was actually found to be a real live
rodent and not a toy, and in 4 out of 5 laboratory tests
the animal managed to bite its way out of the flimsy, clear
plastic container, and in one instance it had completely chewed
through the cardboard. “We’ll have to run more tests,
just to get it right”, stammered the nervous Kenner
representative.
Walkers NeverWhere™ Kitty Crisps
In blindfold taste tests, 8 out of 10 housewives were unable
to tell the difference between the Kitty Crisps and ordinary
crisps. One woman reported a slight tang of liquorice from the
NeverWhere Kitty Crisps, whilst another detected an unpleasant
and unmistakable hint of offal in what turned out to be the plain
potato crisps. The remainder of the test results proved
inconclusive, though this probably had something to do with the
fact that every one of the test subjects had been forced to hold
their noses as they were fed the samples.
The NeverWhere Board Game™ from Hasbro
On a board track based on the layout of the GPO underground
system, player counters such as Dor and Hunter fight their way on
the throw of a dice trying to dominate various parts of London
(Islington, Battersea Power Station, Knightsbridge....) by paying
for them with tacky paper money. If you land on certain squares,
you gain advantages or pay forfeits (do not pass GO go directly
to Cockfosters...) This was road tested and found to be a damp
squib at the Upper Felchingham Women’s Institute coffee
morning. “Orl the gels in the hise thought it tertelly
crep, and not a petch on strip po-kah!”(sic), was the
final verdict of Institute chairwoman Marjorie Halston. Yet
another kick in the teeth for BBC Worldwide...
A series of NeverWhere™ bubblegum cards fared little better. A representative from Tops Trading Cards PLC was stationed on a London street corner, given several Tops NeverWhere™ picture cards and told to report back if any of the young boys known to hang out on the street corner became interested, but all the representative received was a night in the police cells and a black eye from local concerned parents.
Only one of the products came anywhere near acceptable standards - a range of Addis NeverWhereWare™ plastic storage containers. “They keep sandwiches as fresh as when you made them, and they’re perfect for storing leftovers”, enthused Mrs. Ethel Scrumpy of Old Sodbury. “I like everything about them, except their odd tendency to burp loudly at night” she concluded.
Rumours that McDonald’s were about to launch their own NeverWhere promotion - complete with NeverWhere McVomit Burger™, available for two weeks only, while supplies last - were unsubstantiated at this time, though our on-site spy asserted, “I was under the impression they had tested the burger, but shelved it because no one could tell the difference between a McVomit sandwich and their usual fare”.