Online Editors: Adam Richards, Robbie Langton and Andy Thompson
VANESSA ON THE ROCKS
by our Keelhaul-Krazy correspondent: Scarlet Scraype
She was once Queen of the Waves - a giant, 86,000 tonne behemoth inspiring pride and adulation from the British public since her prestigious launching in the late thirties. But Vanessa Feltz, officially the largest TV presenter in the world, was in deep water without a propeller shaft last week,
must now reveal. According to her new owners - the British Boating Company - some of the guests travelling on her have been revealed as FAKES.
Left-handed
Researchers revealed that the green haired, left-handed, child-abusing, genetically modified elephant-man shown in the 17th November cruise was in fact NOT left-handed, whilst the 3rd Jan.’s one-legged, black lesbian chicken molester was in fact, Norman Badger, a seventy-three year old white vegetarian male ex-postmaster from Penge.
Lifeboat
The subsequent sinking of the TV presenter was every bit as swift as it was inevitable. Having already sprung a leak over the shock announcement, it wasn’t long before Vanessa went out of control and ran aground on a reef of denials and excuses, the deadly rocks of scandal ripping deeply and savagely into the presenter’s bottom, causing severe structural damage and the loss of her Producer and Chief Researcher, both of whom had to be sent home in a lifeboat.
Disaster
From there the disaster escalated, as Vanessa began to list drunkenly, before finally disappearing beneath the waves, leaving nothing but a few bemused transsexuals and two giant shoulderpads floating on the surface. An humiliating and degrading spectacle for the ageing, bottled-blonde TV presenter, who had been hoping her new career with the BBC would bring some badly needed success at the end of her long and - of late - less than illustrious life. CLICK HERE to re-live the triumphs, and the tragedies, of the world’s largest TV presenter Vanessa Feltz, as reported over the years by
SHOULD VANESSA FELTZ BE RAISED?
Yes or no? Ring one of these numbers to vote now on whether you think the largest TV presenter in the world should be raised, or left where she is, to rot on the seabed for ever more, Amen. Is she worth it?
1. YES, IF VANESSA WERE RAISED AND REFURBISHED AS A FLOATING HOTEL, I PERSONALLY PROMISE TO SPEND MY NEXT THREE HOLIDAYS SUNBATHING ON HER EXPANSIVE BREASTWORKS AT WHATEVER EXORBITANT PRICE HER OWNERS WISH TO CHARGE : 0891 777 318
2. NO, I THINK WE’VE WASTED ENOUGH PUBLIC MONEY ON THIS USELESS, BARNACLE-ENCRUSTED HULK - I’M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT HER AND THINK SHE SUNK NOT A MOMENT TOO SOON - LEAVE HER TO RUST ON THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN FOR EVER AND EVER: 0891 777 319
(Calls are charged at £20.00 per minute - minimum call time 3 hrs.)
STOP PRESS:
Ferdinand Dogsberry, a retired nuclear fuel dump cleaner from Daffleton juxta Lammerbury, Middlesex, claims to be able to make sense of the incoherent inane bletherings of the 4-Later couple. Not only that, but he says he will explain it all to the rest of us after he completes his present project, which is to prove incontrovertibly that the earth is flat by walking to the edge of it and getting someone to film him throwing a camel over it.