Online Editors: Adam Richards, Robbie Langton and Andy Thompson
CORROSSIVE CULT CASSETTES CAUSE CATASTROPHE |
by our Let It All Out correspondent: Sepia Gunge
All of Britain has been thrown into chaos following an accident that has caused a disaster which has been responsible for a catastrophe the like of which is unknown in modern times. Hazardous waste - a tanker-truck load of noxious poison on its way to a secure toxic chemical disposal dump - escaped when the lorry carrying it overturned on the Molden super Mucus Bypass, causing widespread death, destruction, disease, panic, terror, and mild discomfort around the eyes.
Cancerous
Under normal circumstances, such a toxic waste spill would usually be ignored and the effects on the environment quickly hushed-up by an elaborate bureaucratic conspiracy. But this time it is different. This is one cataclysm the politicians can’t cover up. For the lorry which overturned was carrying a cargo so perilous, so cancerous and obnoxious, so corruscatingly putrescent, vile and venomous, that no one could ever conceal such a disgusting, devastating, devilish, destructive disaster. The cargo was - and we can hardly bring ourselves to print the fact - dozens and hundreds and thousands of dangerously unstable Blake’s 7 videotapes on their way to be incinerated as hazardous waste - shock, gasp, horror!!!
Blake’s 7
Road safety officials were immediately forced to close the motorway where the disaster occurred, when the Blake’s 7 cassettes on the road caused tarmac to dissolve within seconds. The Department of Transport now has its hands full, planning and building an alternate network of roads around the afflicted area, while traffic is at a standstill and continues to build up, like a sink clogged with strands of pubic hair - or a toilet, after you’ve done a really big one and pushed too much paper down after it. Road Rage has taken hold, and everywhere, innocent people are suffering. “I’ve never known anything like this in all my born puff,” said wounded motorist Gaspode Lampeter, who had to spend three hours in his local Casualty Department having a carburetor removed from his coccyx.
Fragmented
Thousands of people had to be evacuated from the area, causing widespread panic amongst the populace. In Pinklechester juxta Candlewicke, thirteen children and a cow were flattened in a stampede to reach a departing train at the local rail station. “It was like a mad rush,” wept tormented crone Madge Fondelgroyne. “They went totally beresk! I could see the madness in their eyes as they ran forward, heedless of whoever lay in their path, being trampled underfoot, their internal organs, skeletons and pelvises shattered and fragmented like a well-beaten egg on a butcher’s floor. The fear of Blake’s 7 had driven them insane!” Another old woman whose name we can’t be bothered to remember wittered, “I can only hope that for the children who died, the end came quickly. But look at us - our homes are lost, our lives are ruined, our coffee-mornings are permanently cancelled - for us, it’s like a life sentence.”
Open
Government officials, scientific evaluators and environmental groups have come together, for once, to assess the damage caused to the countryside because of the spill. One faction - the environmentalitalists - has suggested a swift course of deep open cast strip-mining might heal the area, while the government wants the whole region entombed in a giant concrete sarcophagus until the year 2070. “It’s the only way to make sure this shit stays buried ’til we’re all dead,” remarked Minister for the Suppression of Politically Damaging Information, The Rt. Hon. Sir Eponymous Squitter. “After that, who cares? Let some bugger else deal with it.”
Clarification
Sir Roderick Dimpole-Gunderstone, Ambrosius Professor of Social and Environmental Forensic Anthropology at the University of West Anglia brought much needed clarification by commenting, “Following such a pandeictic insulfation of the ampedant metastructures, it is only by the most optimistic speculation that any combinative or retrogansile retruberance could be anticipated. This is undoubtedly the most aglossative procandescence of ectomunificent legumosity the world has so far had the misfortune to experience, and in my opinion, unless urgent measures are swiftly taken to accubate and empirocate the endoparametressitude, only a total dyslumensiation can eventuate.”
Destroyed
All sides agree, however: the affected countryside has been all but destroyed. Experts combing the area - each wearing several layers of protective clothing - have found widespread devastation and carnage caused by the leakage of Blake’s 7 into the atmosphere. Several species of rare wildflower unique to the region, like the Lesser-dimpled Duck Daisy, have perished from the Earth forever, and are no more. Endangered species taking refuge there have also been poisoned and killed. Such as Slugholmes’s Pooting Swan - the lake where the last three breeding pairs in the world were discovered all floating upside down, like six tragic, white, burst beach-balls with webbed-feet for antennas, also held specimens of The Greater Confused Newt. All these are now probably floaters too, while Shroedinger’s Purple Whiffler - an extremely rare moth - may never be seen again. “It’s such a senseless waste; I’m choked,” blubbed asbestos-suited Featrice Buckwit, looking like an extra from The Andromeda Strain, or perhaps, at a push, one of The Orb. “Is there no end to the misery caused by Blake’s 7? Oh, the terrible, tricky tragedy of it all!”
Effluent
Although earlier fears of a total meltdown effect due to the corrosive nature of the effluent have thankfully proved groundless, the possibility of consequent volcanic eruptions may not, as yet, be ruled out.