Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
R*N D*VIES - THE TRUTH!!!
by our Dirty Common Doings correspondent: Jemima Puddlefuck
You’ve read all the speculations about married gay sex and drug-taking that the less well-informed elements of the press have been inventing to fill their pages. You’ve seen the backlash outing of several prominent gays on television and in the press. Now the R E A L truth can be told about the R*n D*vies incident — and it is even more shocking and strikes even more fundamentally at the roots of our society than anyone has hitherto dreamed.
Shameful
Yes, R*n D*vies was indeed walking across Clapham Common on that fateful night, as he had done many times before. But what has fooled the rest of the press is that he was only taking a short cut to go somewhere else - somewhere even more shameful and degrading. He was on his way towards - we can hardly bring ourselves to name the place, but it must be done - that notorious sink of degradation and perversion, Whorewrack Culvert - a little known, very small cul-de-sac, so small that it doesn’t even appear on most maps of London, but is the evil and unwholesome haunt of closetted Blake’s 7 Fans!!!!!
Monsters
Yes, dear reader, there are such people! Masquerading as normal, everyday members of society, these monsters conceal their terrifying existence behind bland and apparently acceptable faces, helped by a sort of secret mafia of similar perverts who have infiltrated the highest echelons of our society: the police force, the judiciary, the political field and even the ranks of MI5, 6 and (naturally) 7!
Cruising
But it is not only the secret back-rooms of our government buildings that have been used by Blake’s 7 fans as covert meeting places - ever since Blake’s 7 was illegalised in 1967 - at night, any public area with bushes has the potential to become a cruising ground for these perverts. Concerned resident Myra Hingebeak-Guineafowl remarked, “When we moved in here by the canal it was lovely - a really picturesque spot. But now we’re trying to sell the house - at first we didn’t mind it when all the gays, prostitutes, drug-dealers and paedophiles started hanging around here, but just lately the area has become a late-night haunt for Blake’s 7 fans. This is simply the last straw!”
Illegal
Curious about what these weirdos get up to in these places,
- with the help of the local police - took over a couple’s detached semi and transformed the house into a secret observation post, using the latest high-powered zoom lenses and night-vision cameras strategically positioned in every window overlooking the area. What we filmed shocked even the local chief constable, Sir Mavis Cuttlefish-Straddleflappes: “We observed several individuals who appeared to progress towards each other along the canalbank, in a decreasing circular orbit. Gradually they progressed nearer and nearer to each other, until an object was seen to pass between two of the suspects. Upon close examination of the magnified and computer enhanced pictures, we could see to our horror that the object being exchanged was in fact a video tape. After both suspects were cornered and plugged with a .44, the cassette they were exchanging was found to contain highly dangerous and illegal material: Blake’s 7 episodes!!!”
Seedy
Yes, shocking as it may seem to the general public, we at
MPs
The recent scandal of outing MPs as Blake’s 7 fans all started when Lady Olga Maitland, being interviewed about patio shrubs on the live BBC programme Gardener’s Things, remarked, “You shouldn’t plant this type too close together, otherwise you form the sort of thicket in which a Blake’s 7 fan might lurk.” She then went even further, as interviewer Jeremiah Poxman - powerless to stop her - listened in open-mouthed horror: “These creatures get everywhere. In the Tory party. Even in the bloody shadow cabinet. Why, I bet you didn’t know that Michael Howard is a known Servalan Supporter! Yes, it’s true - ugghh!” Whereupon John Birt immedately faxed all BBC and radio departments in the world “reminding” them of the BBC’s guidelines against such public outings.
Custard
Jane Vadgersill of the BBC canteen staff was up in custard covered arms about the ban on public outings. “We all used to have a lovely trip down to Swanage every summer in a sharra’ before this!” she raged.