FLAMES
OVER THE FALKLANDS
by
our political affairs correspondent: Cordelia Snapgusset
Finkelmeyer Productions Inc. have
just announced in a blaze of publicity to outshine any
previous blazes, bonfire nights or other major metropolitan
conflagrations that they are producing a new TV mini-series: “Margaret
and Augusto: The Love That Never Ought To Have Been!”
This charts the international saga of steamy amour between Margaret
Thatcher and General Augusto Pinochet.
Against the background of a war torn world, their passion
flamed in spite of geographical and political difficulties
which kept them apart. With Ralph Fiennes starring as the
General and Pamela Anderson as Mrs Thatcher, with Sharon
Stone co-starring as the General’s wife, Harrison Ford
as Dennis Thatcher and Arnold Schwarzenegger as John Major,
it is described as “a socio-political bodice-ripper for
the twenty-first century”.
Bugger
Episode one, “Flames over
the Falklands”, is already in the can
— which is reputed to be so hot that it is being kept
stored in a tank of liquid helium. Finkelmeyer spokesman,
Hermann Scheisstopf opined, “This is the biggest thing
ever! Bugger the Belgrano, this blockbuster will send even The
Titanic tits-up to the bottom! The nude bedroom
scenes alone are so hot, they make even the Teletubbies
Tour Movie look tame. As for the fantasy fetish
scenes during the telephone sex... Whooh!!!”
Sizzling
According to the ad-blurb in the trade mags, “Their love burned
across the hemispheres. You will gasp in admiration as he
single-handedly saves her from the evil Argies! Now at last
the true secret history can be told! See them as they pound
up the beach together, to lead the attack on Goose Green, in
person! Her pet name for him was Pinocchio, but it
wasn’t his nose that grew longer! They didn’t call
him a Dic-tator for nothing!!! We finally find out out what
she really kept in that famous handbag: lurid love letters to
scorch the linings off a blast furnace! It had to be kept a
dark secret, but now Monica Lewinsky has blown off the top of
Presidential sex, the torrid story of their forbidden love
can be told at last in all its stunning glory and sizzling
passion!” Sounds as
if the Jerry Springer Show had better look to its laurels,
then.
Assholes
The script for the final episode is
rumoured to show Mad Max Margaret raising her own personal
detachment of the SAS and leading them crashing through the
windows of the London Clinic where Pinochet is imprisoned, to
blast their way out to freedom. “Eat Shit,
Assholes!!!” she yells, while machine-gunning astonished
nurses, orderlies and cleaning ladies......
