Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
Out and About - with Blood on their Snout!
Blake’s 7 Fans Released into the Wild by Animal Rights Crazies
by our eco-warrior correspondent: Lucia Tossas
Last night several thousand Blake’s 7 fans were released into the wild by ecologically insane animal activists from a Secure Protective Accommodation Facility near Stafford, England. This follows close on the heels of the release of another enormous pack of these vermin from SPAF 14 near the New Forest, England. On that occasion the release caused a considerable amount of damage to the countryside and created severe dangers for the public and their pets. One of the creatures even made it as far as Cardiff, Wales, England - sorry, Wales, Wales - where it was discovered crouching in a ladies’ toilet.
Tampax
“Indeed to goodness, I was never so frightened in all my life, boyo,” said Siān Llewellyn. “There’s terrible it was! I’d just got my panties down and I felt its cold nose rubbin’ against the backs of my legs. I remember what they said on the news about the danger of rabies and the vicious bites they do ’ave. I cleared the lavvie door in one bound and landed on Mrs Davies-the-Launderette. She comes out of hospital next month they say. There’s screamin’ I was and trying to get my knickers on. I’d only just got decent when Dai Jenkins the attendant came in. Ach y fi - the disgusting thing was trying to climb out under the door. There’s awful it was! Dai hit it on the head several times with the tampax vending machine, but it was still moving and twitching. And the smell... Duw mawr!!! It do come to something when you can’t go to the ty bach for a tinkle without being set upon! Arswd y byd!”
Menace
Damage to the environment from the Staffordshire, England release has already been extensive. Reports have been filtering in of cat-worrying in the area, and teethmarks have been found on horses. “They’m a menace,” said amusingly regional-accented yokel, Jedediah Madbeard, one of those farmers from near Newcastle, Staffordshire in Staffordshire, England. “You can tell them by their droppings - it’s the peculiar liquorice taste gives ’em away. Oo-arrh, oo—arrh. This week, I have been mostly eating tinned cabbage.”
Liquorice
Teams of trained trappers are scouring the surroundings and many of the Blake’s 7 fans have already been tangled in tripwires, captured in coops and snaffled in snares. Trapper Dick Groynes said, “We always use humane traps to catch them in and return them to captivity in padded plastic bags — and if that fails, we shoot the buggers.”
Cat
Schoolchildren are being warned to play indoors and not venture out alone into woodlands and playing fields. Even domestic pets are in danger - some cat owners have built armoured runs for their moggies to be in safety outdoors so they can go out for a crap safely in. And rabbits.
Corpses
But there is danger also for the the Blake’s 7 fans themselves. Not being accustomed to fending for themselves, buying and preparing food, washing themselves and going to the lavatory properly, the fly-blown bodies of their helpless corpses already lie mouldering around the countryside, providing yet another hazard to community health.
Today
Police today have cautioned the public under no circumstances to approach the wandering menaces. “They have vicious bites,” said Chief Constable Mervyn Magwitch, “and the danger of disease is enormous. If one is cornered it can turn very nasty indeed - even nastier than they are the rest of the time. No, that’s probably not true, come to think of it. Anyway, be careful!”
N.B. Perceptive readers will already have surmised that above story is clearly fictional — there have never been “several thousand” Blake’s 7 fans in existence.....