Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
“Sod Off God Squad!” Say Pi Di Guys |
“Diana Roasts in Hell” comment spawns new religion
By our religious affairs correspondent: Al Tarboyes-Growper
All Christendom lies in bleeding tatters this week, following a major guff by a minor cleric. After the Not Very Reverend Sydney Poultice of Minge Street Chapel, Erdington, near Birmingham, England, told his Sunday School class that Ex-Princess Diana was an “Evil Libertine, a Painted Red Whore of Babylon, and a Craven-hearted, Flaming Fornicatrix with Football Players” who is now “Burning in the Brimstone Lakes of Beelzebub and Sniffing the Stinking Sulphur Smoke of Satan! She is Frying in God’s Wok for All Eternity for Ever and Ever, Amen!!! for her Extra-Marital Philanderings,” little Willy Pinkletodger, aged six, went home in tears to his mummy, who instantly told the newspapers. “He said She was flaming for her knicker tricks,” she told shocked reporters.
Diana
There have since been riots in the streets and a multitude of ecclesiastical structures have been defaced or torn down by irate mobs of Diana worshippers all over the world. Vast angry demonstrations broke out everywhere, in which church leaders have been burnt in efigy - or rather more literally in the case of the Archbishop of Drongodrongoland, the Very Reverend Ubanga Fanidele, who had publicly stated that he agreed entirely with the pusillanimous Poultice.
Denied
Reports that Archbishop Carey had tried urgently to recall the Lambeth Conference have been denied, but a leaked copy of a fax reputedly sent back to him by the Bishop of Camford, Connecticut, Rev. Eponymous Planke, was published in several newspapers. This message is claimed to have read, “You can’t, you silly c—t, because that d—ned Poultice guy quoted the identical piece of f—king scripture you used to shaft the bl—dy Gays last time! We’re all hoist by your own d—n petard!” This mention of a ‘petard’, a kind of primitive landmine, was said to have been the last straw to many fanatical Di-worshippers.
Impassable
A new World Religion has come into being overnight - Dianaism. The streets of central London have been rendered nearly impassable in places by mammoth piles of rotting floral tributes and rain-soaked teddy bears. The traffic system of Paris has been completely wrecked since “that” tunnel mouth was declared a Holy Shrine, and hordes upon hordes of Di-ists have been flocking to worship there. Lord Coggan, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, is reported as saying that Diana was a “false goddess” with “pretty loose morals”.
Explosive
A spokeman for the International Association of Anti-Personel Explosives, Sir Legoff M. Pewtea, denied rumours that they had been supplying the Methodists with security devices.
Naughty
A statement by the Ayatollah Worrahwollee that “doing naughty things with men you are not married to and showing your naked cheekbones in public” was condemned by the Koran has embroiled Muslims in the furious fanatical farrago, with Cruise missiles being launched at prominent Islamic targets in several countries by the American President, Bollocky Bill, who was an instant convert to the New Religion - which, of course, completely let him off the hook for the Monica “Blow ’n’ Boast” Snatchinsky affair.
Minority
Asked to comment, the Dali Lama replied, “Not bloody likely! D’you think I’m fucking stupid or summink?” Other leaders of minority religions have been similarly silent - we couldn’t even get an “Oy Vey!” out of the Chief Rabbi.
Goddess
Meanwhile all religious broadcasting by satellite has been closed down, with the stations now showing a plain caption that reads, “There is only one Goddess, and Murdoch is Her Profit!”