Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
Actors Feared Lost in Movie Mayhem Massacre
By our Cold Turkey Correspondent: Bernadette Matthewson
Enigmatic thespian Ralph Fiennes was among a number of popular British actors rescued from the twisted, burning wreckage of the recently unleashed Avengers movie last night. Fiennes became a real life English Patient when the film he was starring in bombed at a local picture palace. Eyewitnesses stood by, horrified, as the movie fell apart and squished the cream of British acting talent.
Victims
Among the victims pulled from the rubble were popular comedy actor Jim Broadbent who was dragged screaming from the fiery inferno after his legs were crushed by an unrelenting barrage of heavy double entendres and clumsily constructed one liners which tumbled from a script that local safety officials condemned as just plain ‘unsafe’. Comedian Eddie Izzard narrowly averted serious injury and was miraculously saved from death after he went to the Ladies’ toilet to “powder his nose” - missing the worst of the carnage by just seconds.
Buried
Still believed buried in the debris is the unknighted Scotch actor Sean O’Connery. Fears for his life reached fever pitch when firemen and rescue workers using heat sensitive cameras and sniffer dogs recovered a scrap of flesh covered in tartan material thought to be part of the possibly late actor’s right buttock.
Leather
Amongst the survivors was American actress Ooma Thurman who credited her amazingly tight leather-gear with protecting her from the film’s collapse. “Thank the Lord* for Cathy Gale,” she praised from her hospital bed last night. Local safety officials are currently anxious to interview executives from Warner Bros. who were not available for comment at the screening. Current speculation seems to indicate that the movie moguls may be arrested and charged with presenting a disorderly film.
Movie
Altogether it is now believed that over two hundred persons, many of them comatosed movie-goers, are currently convalescing in local casualty departments - much to the irritation of hospital trust officials who can’t see what all the fuss is about. Insurance claims are thought to be currently estimated at over £29.7 millions.
Patrick Macnee is 78, dear boy.