Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
Bashing Bishops Ban Dubious Doctor |
by our religious affairs correspondent: Al Tarboyes-Growper
After a long session of heated and
divisive debate, the Lambeth Conference of Anglican Bishops has
voted roundly to condemn the choice of popular transvestite comic
Eddie Izzard to be the next Doctor in BBC’s Dr Who.
The Archbishop of Canterbury says the Anglican communion has
emerged stronger from the tough debate over Izzarduality.
“Wearing dresses outside the bounds of holy matrimony is
against sacred scripture and law and anyone watching the new
series will therefore be excommunicated immediately. We must try
to find it in our hearts to love and forgive Mr Izzard, but we
can never accept that he is a real
human being...”
Accept
Liberal Archbishop Loofa of Fire Island defended the BBC’s choice, saying, “We are all God’s creatures, and if God created Eddie as an Izzard, then we must accept him into our hearts and minds and television sets.”
Venomous
But the Archbishop of Drongodrongoland, the Very Reverend Ubanga Fanidele, turned as purple in the face as a black man can manage on PAL (it’s easier on the NTSC system) and screamed, “No-one is born an Izzard: he has chosen this evil and sinful lifestyle and will burn in hell for all eternity because of it! Oh yeah, man - praise de Lord!” And went on to continue burbling his venomous vituperations on as many television news and discussion programmes as possible, during which he proved definitively that he really is every bit as ignorant as he is arrogant and intolerant.
Black
More liberal viewpoints were expressed, however. “Oooh, I think he’s really, really lovely. Not that I can ever understand what he’s saying, mind. But them black fingernails of his are really, really cute. I want him to be the mother of my babies,” whined the Rev. Mrs Ethel Calamine of Peasedown St. John, Devon.
Motion
Meanwhile, at a session attended by every single hereditary peer* in the land, some of whom were, in fact, dead - and a magnificent spectacle they were in their gorgeous scarlet robes edged with vermin - the House of Lords carried a resolution refusing to allow any more parliamentary bills to be passed until the New Doctor is withdrawn. Dame Veranda Scillybeach, instigator of the motion, claimed she had never ever had so many letters on one subject before - which is hardly surprising as she had been begging every right-wing reactionary shithead in the land to send her one...
Find
Nor are Anglicans alone in their religious objections. Fundamentalist terrorist organisation The Whited Sepulchres of Dragging The World Back Into The Dark Ages-ism are all set to car-bomb a couple of Gallifreyan embassies in Africa as soon as they can find some.
*Except Lord Lucan
STOP PRESS:
TELETUBBIES RAMPAGE CONTINUES...
The furry children’s TV foursome got into further trouble last week on their current tour of Southeast Asia, when they snubbed President Fidel V. Ramos of The Philippines' special invitation to dine with him at his official residence. The explanation given was that President Ramos planned on having Lobster Thermidor, while the Teletubbies only wanted Custard. This resulted in angry scenes the following day, after the President's wife appeared on state television in tears, saying The Teletubbies had personally insulted both her and her husband. The cute quartet were then jostled, spat-at and poked with sharp sticks by angry crowds at Manila airport, as they scurried onto the plane which would carry them out of the country. Finally, their special chartered 747, replete with a full bar, in-flight movies, travelling companions The Rolling Stones, plus an assortment of masseuses, nude acrobats and topless stewardesses, was pelted with rotten eggs as it left the runway.