Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
South Park Tee Shirt Death Shock Horror Unfortunate Rotten Shame
by our Moderation in All Things correspondent: Fuchsia Bowe-Leggit
A small child was
lynched yesterday in the quiet hamlet of Snotteville in the
pretty county of Smegma in the fine state of Illanoxious for
contravening the strict regulations at his local grade school against
the wearing of any garments, particularly tee-shirts, connected
with South Park, the minimalist animation that has been
generating so much maximal animosity among the god-fearing,
small-minded, cryptofascist, bigotted, gun-loving, dead-brained
vermin that call themselves, though most of them can barely spell
it, the “moral majority”. The reason for this reaction
to the programme is probably because it makes such an effective
job of satirizing the god-fearing, small-minded, cryptofascist,
bigotted, gun-loving, dead-brained vermin that call themselves,
though most of them can barely spell it, the “moral
majority”.
Demonic
The boy, little Denny O’Culaghan, was spotted on his entrance to the school by Gruzella Clancy, the school secretary, who immediately recognized the reference on the shirt, because of her extensive research into the programme. “Heavens to Betsy, I have to watch it every time it is shown in order to write letters of complaint and so that I can track down and stamp out any covert reference to this filthy, demonic trash among the student body,” she burbled when interviewed.
Stoned
Gruzella immediately informed Rev.Damon Blastem, her local minister, and Prunella Rabidity-Browne, the leader of the Parent Teacher Association, who quickly mustered support. Before the child had even reached his first lesson, he was dragged out into the school grounds by a bible-clutching, hymn-ranting lynch mob, who were intent on hanging, drawing and quartering the lad. Attempts to draw him failed, because local artist Lucinda Gusset had lost her crayons in the mêlée. They did, however, succeed in suspending the child from the crossbar of the goal posts by his offending garment and then stoned him to death with twenty-five cent pieces.
Simpsons
It was later discovered that the
O’Culaghan boy was a recent immigrant from Ireland, and that
the 
shirt did, in fact, bear the
name of his town of origin (KILKENNY) and not a reference to the
cartoon charcter who meets his gory death in episodes of the
series. School principal Drago Nisroach, when informed of the
error, commented, “Well, hey man, this Denny kid
didn’t, like, die in vain. Like, by steering other children
away from the ways of Sin, South Park and The Simpsons, his death
will be seen as a glorious sacrifice towards the salvation of the
youth of this most wunnerful country of ours - the Land of the
Free!”
STOP PRESS:
TELETUBBIES IN MONSTROUS MOTEL MAYHEM
The loveable children’s TV quartet, at present touring Australia, created total havoc last night when they trashed their rooms at the Wallamagoola Hilton and Bar. According to the owner, Sid McGillick, the cute, lovable creatures had smashed furniture and ornaments worth $43,000, left empty liquor bottles everywhere and cigarette burns on curtains and upholstery, “and as for the disgusting spectacle of what we found smeared all over the bedsheets - well!” McGillick revealed, “The buggers even tipped the televisions in all four rooms out of each window, just because they happened to have their own built-in arrangments on that particular score - luckily there wasn’t much damage ’cos of the fact that all our rooms are on the ground floor... But really, who do these furry, cuddly little fuckers think they are? This isn’t some root and scoot dump, you know. I mean, we’ve got wash hand basins in nearly every room!”