Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
For weeks and weeks now we’ve had people playing with their balls on at least one channel, or maybe on three, four or all five channels simultaneously, but now things are returning to the norm - namely having cookery programmes on at least one channel, or maybe on three, four or all five channels simultaneously...
FanGrok ponders awhile on this phenomenon, and presents you with:
Twenty Things You Never Will See On Ready, Steady, Cook
1. One of the Chefs makes chips - using potatoes.
2. A Chef makes an entire three-course meal without using any balsamic vinegar whatsoever.
3. One Chef looks at his contestant’s ingredients - a lemon; a packet of crisps and a jar of mustard - and storms off, saying, “Fuck you if you think I’m making a meal out of that!!”
4. A Chef uses a food-processor, and has absolutely no trouble at all getting the lid on.
5. One of the contestants tastes her Chef’s dish and goes, “Blyech!!”, before projectile-vomiting into the nearest camera.
6. A contestant accidentally spills a minor ingredient on the floor and his stressed-out Chef shocks everyone by smacking him in the gob and shouting, “Look what you’ve done, you stupid shit - oh, the whole thing’s fucked; I’m going home!!”
7.
Ainsley’s
contestant is a big, buxom, broad-bosomed blonde, and he doesn’t slobber all over
her like a lovesick puppy.
8. Fern Britton scolds a stressed-out Chef by joking, “Look - just COOOK, willya!!” and everybody laughs as the enraged Chef knifes her in the throat.
9. The show is closed down for a week by the Public Health because its horizontal surfaces don’t pass the “Blue Fairy” anti-bacteria test.
10. A contestant brings an amount of alcoholic beverage as part of her ingredients, and Fern doesn’t make jokes about them “all getting pissed, ha-ha.”
11. Someone opens a pack of fish they brought to the studio on the coach all the way from Cornwall in a warm carrier-bag, and, after smelling the contents, everyone agrees it’s inedibly putrescent.
12. One of the Chefs has an accident and sets fire to the set, triggering the automatic sprinkler system - and it wozzn’t Wozza wot done it
13. One of a contestant’s ingredients is inside a glass jar which everyone, try as they might, completely fails to prise open.
14. A contestant manages to chop parsley very quickly and efficiently without Fern shoving her oar in and showing them how to do it.
15. One of the contestants turns up with a piece of horsemeat and is lynched on-camera by the audience.
16. The end-of-show count is a dead-heat.
17. One of the Chefs grills something and uses an actual grill instead of one of those poncy ribbed frying-pan things.
18. One of the Chefs says, “As you can see, I’m using dried basil...”
19. A Chef shows off how fast he can chop carrots, and severs a major artery, drenching the audience with fountainous showers of blood.
20. The gas runs out halfway through the show and they have to make sandwiches instead.