Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
PINK DALEKS PROVOKE WHITE WEE-WEE WARFARE!
by our Sink Plunger correspondent: Tina Pepperpot
Doctor
Who fandom has been sent reeling by the assault on their
serious idols’ masculinity, as the newly launched series of TV
Offal features a comic spotlight on The Gay
Daleks. This has caused unrest and alarm from
Land’s End to John O’Groats, upheavals in Uppingham,
controversy in Coventry, ructions in Rutland, upsets in Uxbridge,
trauma in Truro, shock in Sheffield, horror in Huddersfield,
terror in Tavistock, outcries in Oldham, backlash in Barnsley,
altercations in Aldershot and storms of protest coming in from
the west and forming a damp front over Wolverhampton.
White
Fandom’s furore stems from TV Offal’s some might say ‘obscene’ portayal of the Doctor’s foes as mincing mutants from the planet Mascaro. It shows the creatures travelling through space and time in an intergalactic public toilet called “The Turdis”, bitching about cottage-bound star George Michael, and crying, “White wee-wee! White wee-wee!” as they cover each other in squirting fountains of hot, foaming, creamy, nutritious ejaculate.
Missionary
Special groups are being set up and down the width and breadth of the country to attack this menace to wholesome entertainment, family values, public decency, the mighty missionary position and general sadness everywhere. Every single fan from Worcestershire crowded into a meeting in Stainson Fouling village hall to demand that something should be done about it, while in Solihull a more militant approach was undertaken by setting up a Demand for Dalek Decency Group, which has plans for direct action.
Buggery
DDD secretary, Sir Rampton Broadmore, fumed, “This bizarre abuse by buggery of a bastion of British culture and perverted public parading of the perpetrations of pooves and pansies must stop and stop now. Bloody shirtlifters getting everywhere! This degradation of our redoubtable darling Daleks is dubious, dastardly, and downright damnably dangerous!” At this point the outraged official took a purple handkerchief from the pocket of his spittle-stained black shirt and mopped his crimson brow before continuing, “We started off with a massive postal campaign. We sent letters to The Queen and Prince Philip, to every Member of Parliament, several high court judges, and wrote asking for a meeting to lobby the Heritage Secretary.”
Confessed
Sir Rampton confessed that the response to this mailshot had been so far disappointing. “Phil the Greek wrote back asking ‘Doctor who?’ and as for that Chris Smith chappie - we got a very strange reply from him - I think the bloody fellow might be a little bit suspect!” He had, however, received a positive answer from Ian Paisley, who promised to add it to the agenda of the next Save Ulster from Sodomy meeting.
Fag
But the strangest reponse had been from ex-conservative junior minister Sir Algernon Piston-Drooling. “Very odd that,” commented Sir Rampton. “Bloody idiot sent me a parcel containing an orange and a gas mask! I’d thought he at least would be sound - dammit, he was my fag at Winchester!”
Leader
Over on the other side of the Black Country, the Dudley Dalek Defence League were planning even more direct action. “We intend to boycott all products advertised on Channel Four. Won’t make a lot of difference to me, as I don’t really have much use for fanny-pads with wings,” opined Melvyn Floggins, cadre leader. “We’ll take sterner action than that, too. We’re planning letter bombs to Victor Lewis-Smith and we’ve already sent a commando group to take the batteries out of Steven Hawking!”
Leviathan
A surprisingly restrained reaction was heard from one regular commentator, however. “It’s not so much the implication that the Daleks are gay that hurts,” admitted pear-shaped fan Ian Leviathan, “It’s the idea that by implication, the Doctor - as their enemy - is not.” At this point, we reminded cuddly Ian that when a FanGrok headline two years ago had proclaimed the BBC children’s series’ hero was in fact a woofter, he had at the time actually said, “The idea of it alone is enough to put me off my sausage for life.” When asked why, Ian explained, “Well, I’ve kind of got used to the idea since then.” Perching both elbows on his ample rolls, the blimpoidal Leviathan continued, “But really, how can they get away with showing the bloody thing anyway? I mean, you can see the things’ SPERM on-screen, for god’s sake! And yet, when you saw a Cyberman’s spurting fluids in the actual programme back in the ‘sixties, Mary Whitehouse tried to have it banned - it’s not fair! I wanna start a petition, so that all public reactions to spermatazoical fluids being shown on TV should be forcibly made the same!”
Yesterday
A Channel Four spokesman was not unavailable for comment, yesterday, but we can’t print what he said, anyway......
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