Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
1999 ICE-MAIDEN - THE BOTTOM LINE
by our getting-to-the-bottom-of-things correspondent: Justin Updyke
The
Beeb are now re-running Space 1999 (one year too
early?) and viewers of the show may already have noticed the
distinctive features of leading-woman Barbara Bain’s
idiosyncratic acting style: a pained expression on her face, lips
tightly pursed, turning on the spot as if on a swivel.... The
reason for this peculiar style has now been revealed, as a recent
cash-in exposé by Sigmund P. Untermeister, her probe
’n’ publish proctologist, dishes the dirt.
Ring-Burn
“Ze unfortunate lady had ze most serious kondition,” droned botty-doctor Untermeister, in a fake Tcherman accent (he actually comes from Barnsley). He went on to say that she had the most unfortunate case of Ring-Burn ever encountered. The inflamed orifice was apparently the result of a Prawn and Spinach Vindaloo that the actress consumed in late 1974, and which became permanently lodged in her descending colon. “Zis vud be vooshed out wiz ze high kolonic irrigazion now, but in zose dayz ze technology voz not awailable.”
Rare
Apparently, in order to alleviate the painful symptoms of this extraordinary anal retentiveness, the poor lady was forced to keep a large ice-cube permanently clenched between her buttocks. This did, of course, impair her freedom of movement, and so a cake-icing stand on a kiddie-trolley was rigged up to trundle her around the set whenever possible. In the rare shots where her actual legs were shown, the ice had to be dispensed with temporarily. Stage hands stood by with powerful liquid nitrogen fire extinguishers aimed buttockwards just out of shot. Directors were warned that if the scene wasn’t in the can by the second take, further attempts could only be authorized if extra fire-insurance had first been arranged. As it is, in some long takes wisps of steam can just be perceived arising from behind the actress on occasions.
Rubber
Martin Landau commented, “Oh well, I suppose the book’s blown the whole thing out into the open, so I can talk about it last. It was always rather scary on set. You never knew when the shit might hit the fan. It could get very steamy sometimes. It was even worse at home, what with the rubber sheets, crates of Preparation-H all over the house, etc....”
Revelations
These amazing anal revelations, plus many other unusual insights into the Stars of Music, Stage and Screen, are contained in Untermeister’s recently published biography, “Thirty Years Where the Sun Don’t Shine - Memoirs of a Beverly Hills Bottom Specialist” published by Harper Colons at $24.95.
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THE PLATINUM PETUNIA OF PENISTONE* AWARD Recent editions of *sponsored by the makers of Viagra |
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have included some dummy seasonal
awards, but this time we would like to show our genuine
appreciation of the brilliant new animated satirical
sit-com “Stressed Eric”.
It’s really rock ’n’ roll - well, it had
us rocking and rolling with laughter in our rapidly
dampening seats, gasping for breath, veins pumping in our
foreheads... Nice one, chaps, even if you did nick the
joke about the exploding horse