by our Bongo-Bongo-land reporter: Ulrika Tannoy
A Christian missionary has recently returned from somewhere foreign with startling evidence that colour copies of EVERY colour John Pertwee story exist in prime 625-line colour recordings - in COLOUR. The Exceedingly Reverend Michael Hamble has startling proof that not only do these episodes exist but that their star, the late Sir Nostrils himself, is worshipped as a god by the primitive tribespeople, of the island, there.
“It’s incredible,” said the Rev. “Ever since 1972, when the episodes were shown on the island’s fledgling television station, the tribespeople, there, have seen Mr Pertwee as the absolute personification of their prime deity, The Oa'a'ui'ui or, in translation, “Him of the Big Hooter”. The episodes themselves are kept in the Chief’s hut, guarded night and day by big burly men in grass skirts and large spears. I was privileged to see them at one point and can say, quite categorically, that each one is, there.
The story is nothing new: Fijian people worship Prince Philip, whilst a man in Derby has a shrine to Joanna Lumley in his bedroom. As to whether or not the episodes could ever be returned to the BBC archives, the Rev. Hamble is not too optimistic. “I’m afraid they are treated as holy artifacts. Only the High Priest is allowed to watch them with the Chief only able to view only an omnibus on state occasions only, like the Annual Turtle Roast and Boar Stabbing, there.”
We passed the information onto the BBC, who couldn’t give a toss about what they called our “...stupid, made-up story...” However, the bloke who did all the colouring on The Daemons and the Auton story wept visibly, sobbing “All that effing work for nothing, and it turns out they exist... Bastards!” John Pertwee was unavailable for comment due to being rather dead at the time, but his agent promised she’d pass on the information when she next popped round to the clairvoyant’s, there.