Dr. Emile Z. Fattyburger of the University of Stanton, Ohio in Oregon, USA has just published a fascinating study in the medical press, which reveals the root cause of why so many apparently ‘normal’ men and boys spend so much time worshipping sad TV shows the way we all seem to do.
Dr. Fattyburger has pinpointed several initiation markers (or “primal triggers”) which, according to his exhaustive research - taking in over 12,000 young (male) college students from all over the world - definitely contribute to the psychological condition we call “fandom”. These factors are as follows:
All fans of the good Timelord had a strong and protective uncle during puberty, who shielded them from their stupid, screaming mothers who tripped up and sprained their ankles a lot - probably through being stoned.
Dr. Fattyburger uncovered incidences of childhood soap inhalation and toothpaste abuse in every case of Star Trek fandom, which would imply that any babies forced to sniff borax or eat large lengths of Aqua Fresh could in later life become followers of Captains Kirk and Picard. Horrifying...
Under hypnosis, every X-Files fan interviewed admitted to being the child of parents who never answered their questions about whether there really is a Santa Claus or not. The resultant “search for the truth” inevitably follows, causing the X Files fan to waste its life on a long, painful search that can never be resolved, because no one has the heart to tell the fan that Santa Claus did exist, but in 1962 he died alone, unloved and penniless in a basement flat in Stockport. Of tuberculosis. Yuk...
All Babylon 5 fans were afraid of their own shadows resulting in a shielded childhood away from all those nasty things “out there”. When confronted by their fears, they were forced to exhibit a tendency to hide in a giant canvas porta-loo. Sad.
Fear of policemen.
Many victims were found to have been left outside by their parents on dark moonlit nights which would often culminate in a desire for the moon to “go away”.
In some cases Fattyburger claims to have modified the
personalities of these fan-victims by showing them the cause of
their addiction. Chet Hammerberry and Bud Dwike, two born-again
non-Seaquest fans, said, “Emile has changed our lives. I
no longer spend 
three-quarters of the day in the bathroom, and
Chet has come out of the refrigerator. We’ve found religion
in a big way, and we both are moving inland from the coast to
Salt Lake City next week to start a new life in a parsnip
cannery.” Fattyburger refused to reveal what
psycho-hangups are found in Seaquesters however. “Some
secrets are just too dark and private to be revealed even in a
scientific paper,” he stated.
Eminent psychologists on both sides of the Atlantic have dismissed Fattyburger’s theories as a load of hogwash, citing the doctor’s previous job as a milkman in Winnipeg as a good reason for not liking him. He also still wets the bed, added one. Dr. Fattyburger was unavailable for comment: his mother said he was too busy doing the laundry to talk.