Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
NEW FIENDS ON THE BLOCK SET TO INVADE POP CHARTS
By our Puddles-Under-Every-Seat Correspondent: Nick Ersweat
In an attempt to recreate the heady feelings of Dalekmania of the glam-rock mid-sixties, a group of unemployed, ex-Doctor Who monsters have clubbed together to form a boy-band rock group and are set to literally take the pop world by storm. THE NEW FIENDS ON THE BLOCK is composed of five of the first Doctor’s most memorable early adversaries: Danbert Dalek, Robbie Roboman (late of Take Zap!), Micky Monoid, Jarvis “Pulp the Cock****ers!” Voord and Chumbley-Wumba. Their first single “I’m gonna spend my Easter with a Time-Lord and show him my World Dominating Arsenal...” will be released next Tuesday. The accompanying press-release boasts impressively, “This single is great, so buy it now, ’cos before you know it we’re gonna rape your poxy singles chart and leave it bow-legged and begging for more, so there!”
Stupid
The most shocking and controversial incident concerning the group so far, though, was at this year’s Brit Awards ceremony, when dress-clad bad-lad Chumbley-Wumba tipped a bucket of ice-cold water over the wife of Tory MP John Prycecunt during the ceremony, because, as Chumbley-Wumba put it, “all politicians are shite!!!” Mr. Prycecunt responded with a swift kick to his wife’s groin and the admonition, “Stop wallowing on the floor like an obscene beached whale, you stupid bint - anyone’d think you’d been doused in petrol, not water!” Whereupon the disgraced MP’s wife was hurriedly escorted from the auditorium in tears by big, rough, musclebound, butch, hunky security men, amidst hushed whispers concerning her apparently not-so-whiter-than-white wash. Hmm yes, we suspected as much ourselves - tut-tut!!!
Oasis
Top Britpop band Oasis are said to be very worried by the new group, who are already being called the new bad boys of rock. “Our kid Liam’s been given the eye (stalk) by Danbert Dalek once already, and Jarvis Voord ‘offered me outside’ at Stringyellows a week ago,” revealed quaking quintessential quartet of moptops connoisseur Noel Gallagher last night. “He shouldn’t go around insulting and intimidating other fellow pop stars in that way, the four-eyed, rubber-suited twat.”
Trash
Whilst in Manchester during the recording of their new album “Bend Over And Accept Your Punishment, Earthling Scum”, not only did NEW FIENDS ON THE BLOCK trash their hotel room, they also razed the entire building to the ground and enslaved the surviving staff, forcing them to mine a huge shaft into the Earth’s central core, which when detonated will form the climax to their first live performance at the forthcoming Phoenix Festival, later this year. Their manager, Colonel Bob Davros, said ominously, “This is only the beginning...”
STOP PRESS:
JONATHAN FRAKES FAILS BBC AUDITION FOR PART OF NEW TELLYTUBBY. "TOO FAT," SAYS PRODUCER, "AND BESIDES, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD HE SAYS PERFECTLY."