Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
CAPTIVE HIPPOPOTAMUS GIVES BIRTH TO NEW STAR-TREK SPIN-OFF
By our Brown-Girl-Under-The-Zoo-Animal’s Arse Correspondent : Upjack C. Hamster
Amazed keepers at San
Diego Zoo watched in amazement this weekend as Jemina
- a four ton hippo - gave birth to a new series of the popular
space saga. “Mother and pilot episode are doing fine, ”
said keeper Johnny Morris yesterday. “We have the pair in a
giant incubator and we hope to have a full season by the end of
the week. The Paramount Comedy Channel have assured us of an
airdate in the fall season with a massive promotional campaign
and crêche. We’re so happy, even though the father’s identity
still remains a mystery,” he added quizzically. Gene
Roddenberry’s deep-frozen sperm was unavailable for
comment.
Trekky
In other Star Trek news this week, the NEW STAR TREK MOVIE has been announced! At last, after all this time, Paramount Pictures have now eventually released the eagerly long awaited new news, finally and not before time, concerning the ninth movie in the increasingly bulberous Star Trek franchise, and not a minute too soon. Trekky-fan spokesperson, Galadriel Verminthrottler commented, “With increasing verisimilitude, the post-Jungian ramifications of this ovo-viviparous endomorphism becomes undeniably palaeobotanical. Hitherto the tautochronistic, nay Japhetic, iconochromism of the zygotic palindromicity was uncharacteristically vascularized by the xanthomelanous phallocentricity. Such endemic xerophthalmia is, as anyone can see, dysfunctionally retrosynchronistic.” And so he babbled on for another four hours’ worth of incomprehensible wordy bollocks
Titanic
To be titled STAR TREK: PRIME TITANIC, the story sees Picard and the crew of the USS Enterprise coming to the rescue of a vast interstellar passenger ship that has accidentally hit a giant ice asteroid in space on its maiden voyage. The plot, which features meaty roles for all the cast, also includes a major romance for Picard. Sources also suggest that the good Captain may not survive the movie as he nobly gives his life to save his wealthy socialite lover... Critics have already attacked the writers of the script, citing that they have plagarised a certain recent Hollywood blockbuster.... Ermine Squimm, head of Paramount’s Script Department, countered with, “It’s nothing like Independence Day. ” The critics agreed and everything was all right again.