Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
THE
TELLYTUBBIES:
Mutant Aliens in Earth
Conquest Shock!
By our Pissed That She Didn’t Get One For Christmas Correspondent: Griselda Plaisdown
Yes, it’s true: The Teletubbies are evil space monsters from the planet Minge in the galaxy of Gastronoma, according to shocking revelations revealed shockingly this week. An ex-BBC employee, who wishes to remain nameless, told us the following, in the strictest confidence, “It was damned spooky, I’ll tell ya. I was cleaning up after the filming one night and they didn’t know I was listening, but those Teletubby fellas were talking to each other in this strange, high pitched language - it sounded a little something like a castrated Dalek!!”
Shimmering
“I hid in an old prop cupboard and listened some more, when suddenly they walked right into my field of vision. I heard one of these Teletubby guys say, ‘The-hu-man-oids-are-gone-now - normalize!’ One of them turned a little dial on his chest and the most amazing thing happened... There was a ‘shimmering’ effect and their eyes went all sort of red and small, like the holes where you look through in devil masks - it was horrible!” We at FanGrok are never keen to believe the ramblings of people sacked because they were found to be drunk at their posts, so we have delved into the matter ourselves - and what we found was startling.
Startling
Startling new evidence has come to our attention, that points to the fact that these colourful, cute, cuddly little fuckers are not all that they seem. Our ace spy Wanda Faxman, posing as a BBC wardrobe girl, infiltrated their backstage dressing room, and reports: “I was able to observe their movements all the while I was there, and they are a pretty secretive bunch, let me tell you! After a few hours in their presence, I began to get the oddest feeling... I noticed they never ate or drank anything the whole time, and the hot studio lights never bothered them. Weirdest of all, was the way they appeared to communicate with each other non-verbally, via a bizarre series of gestures and looks - they gave me the creeps!”
Canteen
It got stranger, as it went on: “Once, when we all went for a tea break, it happened to slip my mind that I was supposed to be watching these creatures and reporting on their movements. I looked around the canteen, and noticed the Teletubbies hadn’t followed us there. So I decided to go snooping and see where they’d gone. I looked everywhere, until it struck me that perhaps they were still on the set - I went back, and saw them standing exactly where we’d left them, in fixed positions, like macabre, brightly-coloured statues - it was eerie!!”
Tampax
“Another time, I slipped into Dipsy’s locker while she was in the loo changing her Tampax, and would you believe, inside her lunch box I found a bank of controls that looked like they were from some kind of outer-space teleportation device! Some of the people doing the voices shared my feelings of unease about them: I’ll never forget what Toyah Wilcox said to me once, when I found her cowering on the floor in tears. She said, ‘Teletubbies... They’re evil! From outer space!’ When asked to explain, she told me that Tinky Winky had put a lazer-gun to her throat and threatened to kill her if she revealed their unholy secret - that they came here from another planet, to take over the world!” (ED: Err... whoops! Bye, Toyah!)
Examination
When we here at FanGrok heard this news, we were horrified. We instigated a thorough examination of the entire Teletubbies phenomenon at great public expense and discovered, among other things:
When dissected under a laboratory microscope, the popular “Teletubby” toys were found to actually be hypnotic control devices planted in the arms of the nation’s children that will, upon the activation of a specific signal, turn the children into senseless killer zombies who will murder us all during the night.
The Teletubbies chief dietary component, “tubby custard,” has disappeared from the creatures’ home world - a dying planet - which explains why they are so determined to subdue we Earthlings and take over our world, which according to crippled genius Stephen Hawking, has supplies of custard that may not yet run out for another two hundred million years.
When we played the Teletubbies’ happy, sing-song voices to 25 hypnotised test subjects, 24 of them later committed suicide under mysterious circumstances.
The chart-topping hit song “Teletubbies say eh-oh”, when played backwards, contains subliminal voices that tell listeners to “Murder each other!” and “Kill your parents!”
The government has now set up collection points where you, the public, can hand in your Teletubby videos, CDs, toys and merchandise, and can watch them being incinerated while you wait. These centres are located in London, Glasgow, Birmingham, Leeds, Nottingham, Edinburgh and Blackpool. If unsure, please feel free to ask at your nearest information-point for further details.
Video
The Teletubbies themselves have been arrested by the police, and after trial will be sent for extensive scientific experimentation, before being publicly burnt at the stake. Footage of the execution will be available on BBC video (BBCV#9046 : “The Teletubbies - DEAD!!”) and released sometime near Easter. Order your copy now at WH Smiths, and get a free ‘Mr. Blobby with his hand down his pants’ doll.