Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
“I
WANNA NOO DRUG...”
Shock of Addicts Who
SUCK BLAKE’S 7
FANS’ BACKS
to Get High!!
By our Smack, Crack ’n’ Poppers Correspondent: Jennifer Rush
The hard-fought war against class-A drugs received yet another punch in the throat this week, as police chiefs across the country revealed the latest threat to our children’s well-being... The highly dangerous practice of “sucking Blake’s 7 fans”.
Dirty
As we all know, Blake’s 7 fans are obsessive, unkempt, dirty individuals - yes, ALL of them - whose bodies are the perfect petrie dish for some of the most disgusting, dangerous and deadly poisons and bacteria known to man. To many normal, well-adjusted people reading this, the idea of “sucking” Blake’s 7 fans may be too revolting to even contemplate, but to the addict, they are a source of hallucinogenic, mind-altering chemicals that are extremely potent and addictive.
Blake’s 7
How does this happen? We asked our controlled substances expert, Sigourney Speystout, to explain. “You see, the Blake’s 7 fan, due to his own dangerously unstable addiction to Blake’s 7 and excessively poor hygiene, produces a number of toxins in his body, which leach out through the skin - mostly from the posterior and dorsal areas - and to a drug-addict, these poisons, if licked off the skin of the Blake’s 7 fan in the correct dosages, will produce hallucinations and a euphoric, floating effect not unlike what happens when you smoke ecstasy, or inject crack.”
Fan-Sucking
Even the Government has rallied around, in swift response to the impending national crisis, setting up special Fan-sucking Addiction Clinics, to treat and advise the afflicted. Nurse Toyah Joybone, a Blake’s 7 Fan-sucker’s Addiction Counsellor, explained the seriousness of the problem to FanGrok: “We have seen how some unscrupulous addicts have poisonous toads specially bred and imported, because they get off on sucking the hallucinogenic poisons from their backs. This new phenomenon is pretty much the same type of thing, only much more sickening...”
Cravings
Police chiefs in all the major counties have given press conferences this week, alerting the public to the dangers of Blake’s 7 fan sucking. “If anyone anywhere is approached by persons offering them Blake’s 7 fans for the purposes of illegal fun, do not - I repeat, DO NOT - take them up on it,” said DCI Tennyson Elbow of Botany Bay, Derbyshire, “...or you will end up with horrible drug-induced cravings which will force you into burglary and prostitution in order to sustain your habit. Furthermore, new research is beginning to indicate there’s a slight chance that the unluckiest of these addicts might inherit some of the Blake’s 7 fan’s tendencies, even becoming Blake’s 7 fans themselves...”
Unassembled
This last sentence produced an audible gasp from the assembled journalists - while the unassembled ones’ bits and bobs were dotted around the room, all higgledy-piggledy, and all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, could not put them back together again. Amen.
