Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
OASIS INTERPLANETARY?
by our wet-knickers correspondent: Shazzi Dripflapz
Top pop-group Oasis aren’t just
big, they’re Intergalactic! Many people must have been
wondering how it is that a bunch of patently dim-witted yobs from
Manchester can get dressed in the morning, never mind make
half-way decent music. The answer is that they don’t! The
secret of their success is the Jodrell Bank Radio Telescope dish,
just outside Manchester, which alien Beatles
enthusiasts are using to beam their control signals to Earth!
Grandiose
The aliens simply picked a few relatively empty
heads at random and implanted control programs in the vacuities.
This, clearly, explains the ‘retro’ aspect of
Oasis’ music, and also why the group is incapable of touring
successfully: too far from the Jodrell dish and 
the control signal begins to
attenuate and they start to return to being just lager louts - Liam,
having the thickest bone in his skull, is usually the first to
break up. They also revert, naturally, when the aliens are not
transmitting, causing them to assault members of the general
public, abuse other road-users, attempt to strangle press
photographers, marry aging Hollywood slappers, make grotesquely
grandiose claims during TV documentaries etc.
Garbage
Unfortunately, due to movement of the planets,
the aliens have been having problems with signal reflection
during the last few months, with signals from much earlier
transmissions getting mixed up with the current set. This
bounce-back effect explains why the latest album Be
Here Now contains so much material from 
previous emissions. Previously
they have had trouble with interstellar dust causing minor
corruption in the signals, producing patches of total garbage in
the song lyrics. The extraterrestrials did, of course, provide a
clue for the discerning as to the origin of their material in the
song “D’yer wanna be a Spaceman?”
Broadcasts
The broadcasts (from the Quaygelfphardt system - third star up on the left in the constellation of the Elephant Pachydermis Major, a green pygmy) can only be received at its strongest here on Earth in open-air conditions, which explains the group’s predilection for performing in places like Glastonbury Festival, Knebworth and Maine Road Stadium. Also, the aliens are apparently simulcasting a separate general signal which incites a fandom-like hysteria amongst more susceptible members of the general populace and may go some way towards explaining why millions of young, panting teenage girls find a completely gormless Neanderthal smeghead like Liam Gallagher sexually attractive...
Dustbin
As the Quaygelfphardtians do not themselves wear clothes, their control signals have totally ignored this aspect of human behaviour, as can readily be surmised from the group’s reversion to under-dressed dustbin operatives for public appearances.
Smell
Tests to ascertain whether alien DNA is also involved have so far proved inconclusive. Dr. Kruger Blauschiep of the Biogenetics Testing Unit of the University of Spondon, Massachusetts, in Nevada USA, reported that, “although the DNA samples we tested seem to be more simian than human,” he was unable to identify any interstellar origins for the material apart from a slightly off, eggy smell.
Yeah
Asked about the reports, leader of Oasis fan club Gilbert Dripthong of Chelsea FC, in Beccles, said, “Yeah, like... Bangin’ on mate, ya knoworramean? It’s like, yeah, innit? ’Cos it’s like, top and it’s sorted, mate. Yer what?”