Editors: Adam Richards, Andy Thompson, Owen Richards with net facilities by Robbie Langton
BBC FACES MASSIVE PAYOUTS
“We lied about addiction,” admits TV HEAD
by our Substance Abuse correspondent: Adric Quigley
A marathon American court battle has forced the BBC to admit that programmes such as Dr Who and Blake’s 7 are, in spite of their earlier attempts to cover up the truth, highly addictive - on a par with serious, heavy drugs like Opium, Heroin, Crack and Silk Cut. The damage that these noxious transmissions have had on their victims’ lives over the years has an untold cost in human misery, while the health services expend millions of pounds in special treatments.
Demand
The verdict opens the way to compensation suits from
medicoes and addicts alike. The Beeb is expected to negotiate a
massive one-off payment to the NHS, to head-off claims from
Health Trusts, but individual victims and their families (some of
whom have even had obnoxious character names foisted on them at
birth) may still be able to demand compensation, either singly or
in groups. FanGrok has commissioned a survey to investigate the
scale and depth of the problem.
Cured
But even those who have managed to “kick the habit” are alas, NOT safe from the lingering effects of the addiction to this insidiously addictive material. The sad, sorry results have just been published of a report commissioned specially by FanGrok last month, into the possibility that many so-called “cured, ex-Doctor Who fans” have in fact slipped back into their old ways, and that once you’re off the stuff, there’s NO GUARANTEE you’ll stay off it for the rest of your life. Our results show, clearly, that if you’ve EVER been hooked on Doctor Who, or especially Blake’s 7, you will most likely suffer relapses in later life and be in the shit all over again just when you thought you were safely out of there, man.
Horse
“This
is a huge admission for the BBC to admit to admitting, as the
addiction to these programmes is more dangerous than smoking ...
or even using the horse!!” stammered born-again non-fan
Jason Starbug of Pantswich, who has been fighting the Corporation
for compensation since 1991. “You wanna know what the worst
part of it really is? I thought that shameful part of my life was
over: wearing anoraks, buying useless merchandise, dressing up
like a twat and going to mindless conventions - and worst of all,
going up to complete strangers who just happened to be browsing
through the video section of WH Smiths and asking them, ‘Do
you want to join a Doctor Who group?’ I never thought it
could happen to me again, but a friend recently lent me the
‘restored’ video of ‘The War
Machines’, and I can feel the pains coming
back... I can’t bear the thought of it happening to me all
over again... Yesterday I even found myself wishing I had Sophie
Aldred’s autograph - help me, somebody, please!! If it
doesn’t stop, I’ll kill myself!! WHY are they still
being allowed to peddle this DANGEROUS, ADDICTIVE AND DEADLY
material?” After posting adverts on lamposts warning local
residents of Jason’s presence in the neighbourhood, we
demanded to know what steps are to be taken to protect the public
from this menace...
Filth
The government has already a bill drafted banning all advertising and sponsorship of sporting events by the producers of this filth. The major video outlets are still considering what should be done about the problem, but are expected to opt for health warnings on the packaging and at point of sale, plus an arbitrary SCUM rating (Seduction and Corruption of Users Meter) like the Tar on ciggie packets, to cover the situation. Using Doctor Who as an example, the proposed ratings are as follows:
- William Hartnell: 7
- Patrick Troughton: 10
- Jon Pertwee: 8
- Tom Baker: 10
- Peter Davison: 7
- Colin Baker: 6
- Sylvester McCoy: 0
- Paul McGann: 9
You will see that the annoying Scotsman doesn’t get a SCUM rating - but who would want to watch his episodes anyway?
And now as promised, here is our special, Kut-Out-&-Keep Guide on how to beat Doctor Who addiction, and how to STAY CLEAN - for LIFE!! (Sorry, but you Blake’s 7 fans are just too damn far gone to be helped...)
TOPTIPS