Great Fandom DISASTERS!!!
The First in an EXCLUSIVE FanGrok SERIES — why not collect all 30, plus the accompanying Tazos free in packets of Ex-Lax!
| DARK SKIES TURN TO RED SKIES OVER CINCINNATTI |
By our Solemn Obsequies correspondent: Dougan Filldin
America mourned this week the goulish spectre of a Dark Skies funeral pyre that went horrifically wrong and ended in tragic tragedy, tragically, last Sunday afternoon. The disaster started when frantic fans at a Cincinnatti Dark Skies convention lit a huge bonfire to ceremonially incinerate the remains of their recently cancelled favourite cult TV show. They argued that something with a main character nearly called Lohengrin should go out in truly Wagnerian fashion, even if it also had a character called Bach....
Suttee
Elements from the unpopular television series placed on the bonfire included the Hive, Kennedy, The Beatles, the sixties, and the Viet Nam war. Some fans, delirious in their grief, ran and flung themselves onto the bonfire, in a tragic variation on the Hindu “Suttee” custom, in which an Indian widow throws herself onto the burning pyre of her dead husband. Afterwards, the remaining fans committed Hara-Kiri together by drinking Kool-Aid spiked with alien DNA.
Sweep
Tragically, the wind changed direction halfway through
the ceremony, which caused flames to sweep backwards and engulf
the entire area in a massive conflagration which scorched the
hotel and its occupants... rather badly, actually! Local
residents were still in shock this week: “There was this
huge pall of smoke rising from the Hilton parking lot, mixed with
the stench of marijuana, incense and the sound of 1960s rock
music - we thought it was just a huge clam-bake at first, but
then they told us about all the bodies...”,
wailed 69 year old Hattie Ventilator Shaft, a raving religious
next-door neighbour of the high-rise hotel where the bizarre
ritual was secretly enacted, last week. “And when the hotel
caught fire, I started screaming for de Lord, and lo,
it began to rain!” But sadly, not before
several innocent women, children and small animals in the hotel
rooms had been turned into smouldering charcoal briquettes.
“They had to shovel the remains into plastic bags at the end
of it all, it were incredible,” stammered drooling onlooker
Bert Rubberneck, 52. “All that was left were a few teeth,
two beaks and and a scorched sun lamp.”
Sue
A Spokesman for Hilton Hotels of America was livid this week. “They are TWATS of the highest order... Or, umm, at least they were twats... Why, if they hadn’t all killed themselves I’d be petitioning to sue the effluvia out of them. In fact, no, wait a minute... I’m GLAD they’re all dead. Ha ha!! For what they did, they deserved to burn!! BURN, BURN, BURN!! Yee-hahh!!” And BURN, they did. Crackle, crackle crackle... Amen.
Next Time, on BONFIRE OF THE INANITIES:
The
83,000 ton H.M.S. Doctor Who is
sunk in the Atlantic,
somewhere off the Azores, with all hands aboard -
AND THERE’S ONLY EIGHT LIFEBOATS!!!!!