X-FILES BOSS KICKED OUT IN FAUX-PAS FATWA
By our Hollywood Sleaze Correspondent: Celia Slit
Hollywood was rocked this week by the shock revelation that Chris Carter, the longtime X-Files writer and producer, has been sacked from his cushy job at Ten Thirteen productions, and his plush, custom-built office with cool swirly-wirly swivel chairs and a mini-bar will now be gutted and turned into disabled toilets for lowly studio visitors.
Sorry
The sorry story began last month, allegedly, when Carter, known to be annoyed with several X-Files episodes which were broadcast without his strict approval (in particular, the controversial “Musings Of A Cigarette Smoking Man” episode), had an open, flaming great row, in public, with another member of his writing team in the street outside his offices in downtown Burbank, California.
Blonde
“I wondered what it was at first,” blabbed bemused bystander Henna Shaft, 43 (allegedly), last week. “These two were pacing the sidewalk, shouting at each other, then suddenly the blonde guy leapt at the other one and tackled him to the ground! Somebody shouted, ‘Hey, that’s Chris Carter; let’s go get his autograph!’, and people started crowding round them, then. They were grappling on the ground; really going at it - there was a bit of blood, and a few loose teeth scattered about. By this time a traffic cop had arrived and began telling everybody, ‘All right folks, go home, there’s nothing to see,’ but I could tell it wasn’t over - not yet anyway... The cop pulled the two guys apart; they got up and dusted themselves off, but they were both still panting and pouting and glaring. The cop had his notebook out and was asking the blonde guy some questions, when suddenly he pushed past the cop and stepped on the other guy’s glasses, which were lying on the sidewalk at that point. That started the whole thing off again - after that they had to bring the fire hoses in just to restore the peace.”
Sad
This whole sad spectacle was merely a
prelude to the real fireworks, which occurred (allegedly) when
Chris Carter turned up, allegedly, four sheets to the wind on
cheap booze and rubbing alcohol, at a press screening of selected
Season Four X-Files episodes and began mouthing off, heckling,
making animal noises and booing loudly. He was finally ejected,
after he forced the projectionist to stop the tape, and screamed
out at the top of his voice, very loudly, so everyone could hear,
that he had earlier sneaked into the editing room and inserted a
two-frame caption with the words: “G**n M***n [name suppressed for legal reasons]
is a twat” into the master-edit video tape before it
was broadcast on air. (Allegedly.)
Bastard
When news that an episode of The X-Files had been broadcast on network television with the word “twat” hidden somewhere in the end credits reached network bosses, Carter was ignominiously sacked and fired and kicked out and forcibly ejected and sent home, and told, “don’t ever bother us again”. “He’s a bastard for doing this; and I think he’s been very, very, very, very naughty! Bad Chris! Bad, bad Chris!!”, spouted CBS head honcho Melvyn Hackenbackenschmackenspookenfookenberger. “I’m ashamed and disgusted and appalled that we’ve broadcast nasty, rude, smutty, dirty words on our network. How can I hold my head up high in public ever again, knowing what the world thinks of me? It’s all Chris’s fault, the c—t!” As a result, The X-Files has now been cancelled forever, amen. (Allegedly.)
Fans
Fans of the show have spent weeks scrutinizing episodes in still-frame-mode in order to find the offending caption, as yet with no success. “I’ve now watched each and every episode approximately 452 times in various different play-modes, from long-play slow-frame advance to fast-rewind,” reported exasperated X-Phile Adolphus Clenchmeyer of Shortbeach, Nevada, USA, America, The World, Solar System, Cosmos. “I still haven’t found the t-word yet, unfortunately,” he admitted sadly. It is now wondered if the entire episode was not an elaborately-staged publicity stunt, enacted by a production team who have largely run out of new ideas and are desperate for anything to boost their sagging audience appeciation figures... (Allegedly.)
FanGrok would like to point out that the entirety of the above story - which we were about to publish last week, but axed just in the nick of time - is total bollocks and nothing but a load of rubbish made up by someone who thought they could trick us into printing a bunch of slanderous lies without us knowing anything about it. We’re sorry if this has caused offence to any of our readers, and let us take this opportunity to say to our source, "Nyah-nyah, you thought we’d print it, didn’t you? Well, we’ve stopped you dead in your filthy little..." Ooops - we HAVE printed it... Oh shit.