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An urgent plea has gone out to SeaQuest DSV fans this week from the staff at Ultramarine Park, the Hollywood aquarium where the noble Dolphin used in the series, named “Darwin” lives. Because of SeaQuest’s abrupt cancellation by cruel, unfeeling network bosses, the aquarium can no longer afford to house the Dolphin and plans are already afoot to sell the animal’s carcass to the highest bidder.

Dog Meat

“Darwin to be turned into dog meat!”, screamed the Hollywood trade papers, to no avail (possibly because no one except twatty movie stars with more money than brain cells ever reads them). The first plea went out in December 1996, from Darwin’s trainer, the now late Greg C. Danser: “Somebody, help us! They’re gonna kill Darwin, just because that damned show’s been taken off the air - and nobody cares!”

Cat Food

Asked at the time why Darwin couldn’t simply be released into the sea, aquarium boss and 86-stone TV producer Hymen C. Haagenfahrt explained, “Vell you see, it’s in his kontrakt. At ze end of zis job Darvin vas supposed to go direkt to Vhiska’s - it all joost dependet on how long SeaKvest DSV lasted. Darvin’s gettink too old to be in piktures, really; pretty soon vee’d have to get him one of those dolphin zimmer swimming-frame things; either zat or use him as kat food. Blame ze viewers; zey didn’t vatch SeaKvest, so now it’s off ze air, und Darvin’s going in ze mincer! Happy now?”

Bird Seed

Darwin’s new (last?) trainer, Edwin C. Pucklepecker has taken the fight direct to SeaQuest fans, via an emotive appeal to FanGrok - your caring, on-line, green magazine. “Like I wanna blow this scam wide open,” frothed the emotive Pucklepecker. “I’m sure the fans must not know anything about what’s really going to happen to Darwin, man. We’ve got to tell everyone what these mean, cruel TV executives are doing to those creatures that have the misfortune to enter into their evil, twisted contracts - God only knows what Darwin was thinking when he signed his; I mean, maybe his eyesight isn’t what it used to be and the dude didn’t read it properly...”

Rabbit Pellets

But it’s not too late! For your caring On-line Wildlife Sanctuary for Old SF TV Animal Stars has the answer! If everyone reading this can send us just £2.00 of their small change - that’s as much as some people spend on the lottery in one week! - then we’d have a lot of money. £18 to be exact. We’d send that money somewhere - an account in Switzerland probably, and show you dear, grateful readers a picture of a dolphin. ANY Dolphin, WE DON’T CARE! Then, we’d have all your money and you’d believe we’ve saved Darwin when in fact we haven’t - he ended up in that can of Pedigree Chum years ago, suckers! But you’d NEVER FIND OUT IN A MILLION YEARS, WOULD YOU? HA HA!! GOTCHA!!

(ED: This article has been arrested after we called the police. It’s far too sick and dishonest and nasty and vicious and we don’t like that kind of thing, thank you very much!)

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