Melanie Fisher, ’s Own Dr.Who Tart With A Heart Answers Your Queries And Puts Paid To The Old Adage That Teacakes Are Best Served Hot...

Dear Melanie,
A Catholic priest friend of mine once told me that every time I have sex with a man I don’t know, an episode of Doctor Who dies! I had a riot of a time during the Graham Williams and Colin Baker eras and caught syphillis. Was it all really my fault?
DAVID CALDER
The Moon,
Twickenham.
MELANIE writes: Yes, dear!

Dear FanGrok,
Isn’t it about time that someone told that irritating bitch Anne Robinson of TV’s Watchdog series where to get off. She’s been on my bus for the past three hours and refuses to budge. Will someone please tell her to piss off.
ANTHONY PAINLEY
No. 22 Bus,
Normanton Circular,
The planet Mars.

Dear guys,
I am seriously in love with Philippa Forester off TV’s “Tomorrow’s World” and “Robot Wars”, and am presently engaged in a letter-writing campaign to petition the BBC to give the lovely, comely Philippa her own TV series. I mean, if that slapper Carol Voorderman can have her own show, why not Philippa, eh? Will other FanGrok readers support me in this? Oh, and something else: I have a problem some of your correspondents could perhaps help me with. I masturbate on average of about twelve times per day in front of the TV whilst playing endless videotapes of Philippa’s golden performances, as you do - trouble is, my videotapes are starting to wear out, and her once strikingly beautiful features and pert, supple body are starting to look all blurry and indistinct. Please help me; can anyone tell me where I can replace these outright classic gems of televisual whacking material?
Malcolm Tools,
Lipton,
West Midlands
MELANIE writes: have you thought that it might not be your videotapes that are wearing out, but your eyesight...?

Dear Melanie,
With Gaby Roslin in hospital every morning, wouldn’t it be an ideal opportunity to perform a comedy surgical experiment on her and remove her tits? They always seem to get in the way when she is sensitively interviewing the dying and suffering. Also, what ever happened to that nice bloke off of “That’s Life!”? I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since the burst spleen incident in series one.
MONICA SHREW
Little Michael,
Dennis.
MELANIE writes: the That’s Life presenter died two years ago as a result of an incident in a former life. By the way, did you know that the charming Miss Roslin’s tits have their own lighting cameraman? No? Well you do now. And he’s actually called a “Lighting Mamaraman”! Hahahaha!!! (Sheesh!)

Dear FanGrok,
The recent episode of Doctor Who entitled “Doctor Who and the Curse of the Fetal Deaths” contained a number of simply appalling continuity clangers, I can tell you.
1. How come when the Master fell down that funny hole and aged hundreds of years, why didn’t Dr.Who age as well. Hmmm?
2. How come the second Dalek in scene fourteen episode two had shiny sensory spheres and all the others had silk-finish ones. Ha. All the Daleks during this period of interstellar history were silk-finish, weren’t they?
3. Were the gorgeous Julia Swahili’s breasts really that small? I remember her in Press Gang and they were really huge.
4. The Doctor’s companion being able to fart: this clearly contradicts chapter seventeen of Doctor Who - The New Adventures: Lungbarrow (by Marc Platt).
5. The intensity of the plot directly controvened the shallowness of eighties Doctor Who. Whereas an episode set during the non-specific lineage of the Atkinson Who can be deemed a mono-event as far as the subtext of the show’s recent deconstruction is concerned. The fact remains that each duo-textual line of dialogue within the total embodiment of the finished structure cannot but be seen as paradoxical in the light of the recent discovery of a missing episode in New Zealand. Discuss.
6. It’s 5.15pm on an English November evening and it’s still light outside!!!
7. Isn’t Lenny Henry sexy?
8. Yes, he is.
9. What’s the capital of Australia?
10. How many beans make five?
11. Open the capsule?
12. ...or take the money?

GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT: THIS LETTER HAS PERFORMED AN ILLEGAL OPERATION AND WILL BE SHUT DOWN. PLEASE CLOSE ALL OTHER LETTERS AND REBOOT YOUR POSTMAN.

MELANIES writes: in crayon.

Dear guys,
I have a problem. I am seriously in love with Philippa Forester off TV’s “Tomorrow’s World” and “Robot Wars”, and I masturbate on average of about twenty times per day in front of the TV whilst playing endless videotapes of Philippa’s golden performances, as you do - trouble is, my eyesight is starting to suffer from all this whacking I’m doing. Does anyone know a good Optometrist I could visit? I couldn’t bear it if in less than five years’ time, the lovely, comely Philippa’s beautiful features and pert, supple body were nothing but a memory. Oh, I just couldn’t bear it... Please, help me!
Malcolm Tools,
Lipton,
West Midlands
MELANIE writes: before getting all upset and desperate, have you tried cleaning your glasses...?

Dear FanGrok,
Where must I go and what must I do and who do I have to sleep with to be a member of the audience on The Jerry Springer Show, so I can stand shaking my fists at adulterers, shout “Jerr-ree! Jerr-ree! Jerr-ree!” at the top of my lungs and boo loudly at homosexuals? I’m proud to say right here that I have been in the audience at more shows than just about anyone alive; I’ve been on everything from Oprah to Montel, but no other show besides Jerry’s lets the audience get up and act like complete and utter fuckwits. It looks such fun; please, will you tell me what I have to do?
Tibor Redglans
Scatchton Cutting,
Prickly Knob, PA,
USA
MELANIE writes: just carry on as you are, and soon enough Jerry’s team of hounds will find you - I mean, there can’t be many of your kind left in America who haven’t been in his audience yet, can there - about three?

Dear FanGrok,
What is sexual air supply and how can I get some?
MELVIN PRUDDOCK,
Effington under the Sea,
Lancs.
MELANIE writes: The handy stuff is manufactured by Browns of Kirk Waddingham in 50 litre packs and available at most high street branches of Boots the Chemist. Remember to book first as places are limited. Ask for Hamish. Next.

Dear Melanie,
Recently, I recently bought a copy of the recently released recently restored Hartnell classic recently, the recent THE KEYS OF MARINUS, recently. Imagine my horror when I got it home when I found that it had turned into a brown smelly gelatanous mush with gobbits of raw fat strewn through its substance. What the heck happened?
IAN PARKES,
West Chesterton,
Wright.
MELANIE writes: Have you checked to see what you’ve fed the dog recently..?

Dear guys,
Please help me. I am seriously in love with Philippa Forester off TV’s “Tomorrow’s World” and “Robot Wars”, and masturbate on average of about fifty times per day in front of the TV whilst playing endless videotapes of Philippa’s golden performances, as you do - trouble is, my glasses have become caked in some rather stubborn and hard to remove white gunk that won’t shift. I’ve tried everything, even brillo pads, but the stuff just won’t come off. Does anyone have any advice? I can’t afford new glasses, as having to sit at home all day in front of the VCR has made me unavailable for work, therefore I am currently unemployed, but if I can’t see the lovely, comely Philippa’s beautiful features and pert, supple body anymore, I think I just want to end it all... Oh, please help me! Somebody?
Malcolm Tools,
Lipton,
West Midlands
MELANIE writes: have you thought about the possibility that it isn’t your glasses which are caked up with white gunk, but your eyeballs themselves? Perhaps that’s where you should be using those brillo pads, Malcolm...?

Dear FanGrok,
I am finding that there are some weird bits about your website that you might not have noticed. First of all, when I click on “Gallery”, there are no scintillating nude pictures of sultry women, just a rather feeble article about the “Avengers” movie. What gives on that? Secondly, The Avengers movie has been released now, so why can’t you find it? I found it, at a cinema here which, funnily enough, usually shows pornographic films. I remember the day I went to see the movie, there was no one else but me there - they played the film to just me! This is strange, since usually the place is at least half full. The film was crap, mind you, especially as Uma Thurman didn’t even take her top off once. And what’s with that Steed guy, strutting about like that? He had a real opportunity to plough Mrs. Peel there, and he completely blew it. Was the actor gay or something?

Severely Bewildered,
42 Clueless Avenue
Mewlings.

Dear Friends,
How lovely it was of you to do a piece on the late Diana, Princess of Hearts. Some vicious, unfair individuals have actually claimed that our beautiful, caring Diana - who loved sick children with all her heart and touched dirty contagious AIDS victims and campaigned all over the world for landmines every day of her life - should burn in Hell. Pure sacrilege! But true to the facts, you proclaimed that she is “In heaven, for ever” - Amen! Bless you. All intolerant people everywhere, who disagree with us should be rounded up and fed to the baying hounds, no matter how they might plead and protest; let the hungry dogs open their lying throats to the air and let their cold blood run free, for this is only the punishment our sweet, loving Princess Diana would have wanted for these cunts.

Rev. G.Q. Reeder,
Axeminster Cathedral
27 Birdnose Walk,
Stewings.

DEAR BLASFEMERS,
BLAKES 7 RULES!!! DONT EVER MAKE FUN OF IT BECAUSE ITS BETTER THAN YOUR STUPID RAG WILL EVER BE AND IT DEAL WITH REALLY INTELLIGENT SUBJECTS LIKE SPACE TERRORISM AND EVIL INTERGALACTIC SUPERBITCHES WHO WEAR FEATHER BOAS ALOT YOUR JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE YOU DIDNT THINK OF IT FIRTS YOU TAWATS.

Hot and Bothered,
Piqued Cottage,
Prettymiffed,
Idiots.

Dear People,
Further to your piece about the cooking programme, “Ready Steady Cook”. I wonder if anyone has seen Ainsley Harriett’s other cooking show, “Can’t Cook Won’t Cook”, where the grinning picaninny-stereotype patronises the innocent participants by making them perform camp, humiliating song and dance routines as they assemble the ingredients, and then ridiculing their efforts? I think this is the perfect subject for FanGrok’s cruel journalistic boots - by god, would I like to see that smug fucker given the same treatment at a lumber mill by a gang of big brawny lumberjacks. Who’d be laughing then, Mr. Harriett? “Ha-ha” indeed.

P. Dante,
666 Disaffected Lane,
Fopps.

Dear FanGrok,
God, you people really are morons. In an article supposedly taking the piss out of the best Doctor ever - William Hartnell - you actually make the fatal mistake of spelling the word “exactly” wrong, whilst elsewhere mocking the late actor because he used to forget his lines. It’s “EXACTLY”, OK? Learn how to spell will you, before throwing muck at the first (and best) actor to have played the role, ever. Stupid, intolerant fools like you should also realize that Hartnell got his lines wrong all the time on purpose, to give the effect of a doddery old man who didn’t know what he was talking about. And besides, the great man was knocking-on eighty-odd when he took the part, so LEAVE HIM ALONE! We’ll see whether or not YOU can remember your lines when it is YOU who is old and fucked. The rate at which you misspel words at this early stage in you’re so-caled careers sugests you wont. Bastards.

Cobbley Bunchflakett,
Upper Sett,
Denture.

Dear Letters Editor, FanGrok,
Can I just take issue on an item that recently appeared in your web hole regarding the current incarnation of the US President and the fact that he has a physical manifestation below his belly button resembling a mouldy carrot or ripe banana depending on his swing. I will admit that I, as a concubine to the court of King Clinton, am privvy to a great many facts which, if made public, would make even Jerry Springer belch and apologise. Uncle Bill, as I affectionately refer to him as, has most certainly NOT got a set of peni. I know this for a fact. I got them. In a small box just by the toaster on my kitchen table. And very smelly they are too. Especially when served with rice. As an afterthought, but still retaining a certain degree of toilet humour, does anyone out there actually believe any of the answers to the Guardian’s Notes and Queers ? I don’t since I write most of them.

Simon Carsington-Reservoire,
Blottowe,
Meths.

Dear FanGrok,
I feel I must take issue with your exposé on the Teletubbies (FanGrok on-line no. 35). Factually, it was extremely suspect. For example, where did you get the name of the creatures’ home planet? Also, when questioning Stephen Hawking about the amount of custard to be found on Earth, I think it extremely dubious that you didn’t substantiate his answer. If there really is that much raw custard still to be unearthed here, why then is so much scientific time and effort being exhausted in trying to come up with a synthetic custard substitute (widely acknowledged as the rosetta stone of alchemy since the early 1950s)? I couldn’t help thinking, while reading the article, that there was much more to this story than that which met our 15“ Goldstars. Is FanGrok trying to cover-up an unspoken involvement with whatever brought the Teletubbies to Earth in the first place, or is it the various business ventures FanGrok has set up in conjunction with the government and the BBC in the wake of The Teletubbies being executed that has brought about your ambivalence and cavalier manner with the facts?

Yours faithfully,

Mark Stretch,
25 Upton Passage,
Mount Veneris,
Chuffley

(ED: Having read your letter both in private and in concert with our legal advisors, we must inform you that your allegations are without ground, and in truth actionable. Rather than resort to a court action, we have decided to drop the matter pending a reply from you to our legal letter which should have reached you as of 18th March. Off the record, we didn’t question Stephen Hawking’s responses because they were, in themselves, answers to questions we posed him in the form of a multiple choice quiz. Presumably, when faced with the question, “how much custard would you say exists on earth?” and the alternative answers, “Judy Garland”; “by dividing 200 by the square route of the hypoteneuse”; “you’d bump your nose before your stomach because your stomach can’t get an erection”, and “supplies that may not yet run out for another two hundred million years”, he simply chose the latter answer. On the matter of our business ventures, we shall say nothing, for it is up to you to prove there is any wrong-doing, and we advise you will not do this via spouting a lot of slanderous lies and vague suppositions about them in the press. Our legal letter advises that you desist this action immediately, or be held responsible for any losses incurred by us thereafter, i.e., get fucked.)

[Index]