[back] [index]

ANGULAR BOX MEN SQUELCH FELCH

by our Amazing Marine Monsters Correspondent: Lucy Teighnear

The commodious queen of the daytime idiot box, Juggernautessa Felch, tried to take the cult of personality one step too far when she demanded such a high fee from her employers, Angular Television, that they baulked and gagged and choked and vomited. Like “Dr Who” William Hartnell in the 60s, she thought herself so indispensible that she could ask for whatever she liked, but - as with the Beeb and Hartnell - she was told to regenerate elsewhere!

Third World Country

“It isn’t just the up front money,” said A-TV spokesman Noddy Yessmann. “It’s all the behind-the-scenes costs: the reinforced furniture, extra large dressing rooms, strengthening the stage supports, getting all the corridors widened... The canteen costs alone would bankrupt a small third world country. As for the wardrobe department, it is so difficult to find sailmakers this far inland....” We understand there had also been failures with attempts at product merchandising too, with Reebok’s Felch plimsoll line sinking without trace.

To Fill

Just as we were all breathing a sigh of relief - glad that our straining screens would be rid of her - it was announced that the BBC had signed her up instead. [Oh shit! - Ed.] Apparently their market research had indicated that it was quantity not quality that counted in the weightings - sorry, ratings war. It must certainly be admitted that Ms Felch - with her distinctive appearance: hair by Pastamaker™, with a tagliatelli top-knot, wallowing weightily on her industrial strength, reinforced sofa - is the only anchor person in the world who can stop a charging supertanker dead in its tracks. Her detractors claim she has an annoyingly sing-song voice with a broad accent, and “all the charisma of a warehouse full of used condoms.” A Beebish spokesbletherer commented, “We’re changing the system soon - you know, ditching the wavy things - and we’ve got to fill those wide-screens somehow!”

Gaping Hole

In total panic at the thought of being left with such a gaping hole in their schedules, A-TV executives were seen recently setting off in a mad dash to sign up the beached whale stranded on the Mersey sands. Unfortunately they were confused by roadworks diversions in Crewe, and ended up in the Lake District by mistake, where they fell to wondering whether Scafell Pike was doing anything much this autumn and might be interested in a contract....

FANGROK'S FELCH FACT FILE: Designed by the world famous marine architect Hugh Mingis Behemoth and built during The Great Slump of The Twenties, Juggernautessa required many millions of government money to reach completion, but in so doing helped the country out of the darkest days of the Depression. When finally launched, Ms Felch received extremely wide acknowledgement as the height of style, luxury and comfort. In her heyday, she was a symbol of national prestige, not only for her vast size, but also for her plushly upholstered interiors. Appointed with 14 decks, an extensive first class dining saloon to rival the immense grandeur of Versailles and three olympic-sized swimming pools, her gargantuan displacement exceeded 83,000 tonnes, eclipsing even the S.S. Oprah in her prime. But after many years she had recently fallen heavily on hard times. Audiences rolled off sharply as lighter, faster presenters overtook her, leaving Juggernautessa floundering in their wakes. It was feared for a time the great presenter would be sold off to far-eastern scrap merchants... Then the bombshell dropped - she was to be decomissioned and withdrawn from service by Angular Television. Ideas for her transformation into both a roll on - fall off ferry and a floating hotel came to nothing. Subsequently, Ms. Felch slipped anchor and went out of control in the English Channel, but was eventually towed to Cherbourg, where she lay rusting for several months. Happily, she was eventually purchased by BBC TV, and has only just undergone her 39th annual refit and bottom-scraping at a cost of £42 millions. The reconstruction of Ms. Felch's superstructure has increased her gross tonnage to 165,000 - making her officially the largest TV presenter in the world.

 

Fantastic FanGrok Special Free Gift Part Work Offer: Build your very own model of the S.S. Felch!! A girder a week in each issue (cover price £1.50 plus postage and packing £16.99) and full instructions for building this incredible triumph of the model-builder's art. Collect the tokens each week and get your free FanGrok arc-welding kit with issue 937. You will fill with pride as the structure takes shape - your living room will be pretty full too - and it will be a New Millenium family heirloom by the time your great-great-great-great-grandchildren finally finish it! NB: Offer not available to employees of FanGrok, Sentinel Productions, The North Thames Gas Board, Harland and Wolfe, Cunard White Star, Hapag Lloyd, Jehovah's Witnesses or people.

[back] [index]